Boy Outraged at New Study on Teen Sexual Activity

Peoria, IL
Local 12 year old (and virgin) Ricky Morehouse is outraged to learn that national statistics show that boys lose their virginity, on average, at age 17 and that a startling number reported to have lost it before their 13th birthdays. Upon reading the report published in US News & World Report, Morehouse slammed the periodical on the bathroom counter before furiously masturbating as quietly as possible so as not to alarm his mother who was waiting in the hallway to use the bathroom herself.

Morehouse has, as of late, marveled at what seems like a veritable American orgy on which he is unfairly missing out. "I don't even have a girlfriend," confessed the upset pre-teen to best friend and fellow virgin Dylan Slowitz. "I haven't even gotten to first base!" Slowitz, who has reluctantly tolerated his friend's complaints lately, is not as far into his sexual development. He admitted to reporters that he lied to Morehouse regarding the growth of his own pubic hair - "I don't have any yet. I don't know, Ricky is obsessed about his, he says he has, like, five already."

Asked to comment, Ricky scoffed. "It's more like 8 or 9 now, but I didn't check this morning so it's probably a lot more."

Morehouse has expressed to Slowitz that next week he plans to ask classmate Audrey Klein (who it should be noted was the third in class to start developing breasts) to be his girlfriend. Asked for advice, Morehouse's older brother and non-virgin Dennis said, "If you want a girl to do it, you have to date her for at least a year, especially at your age." The elder Morehouse brother is considered an expert on teenage sexual activity, having "done it" with "at least three girls already."

With Ricky's 13th birthday coming in November, sources close to the boy expect, should Audrey Klein agree to date him, he may well attain his goal of losing his virginity before turning 14. Asked for comment, Morehouse's mother Patricia said, "His teachers say he's very distracted in school and is taking a lot of bathroom trips. I think he may have a tape worm or something so I'm taking him to the pediatrician next week. I think the tapeworm is making him depressed because he's been acting very stressed out lately."