Holiday Wishes From GetOnMyMap

1. Lloyd Carr delivering a multi-culti gift basket to my door and then to have Suzy Kolber ask him how he felt he "executed" it - for the last time...
2. Rock Star - that game is fucking cool.
3. 1,000,000 hits on this site.
4. To record my hilarious joke song called "Drinking My Way to the Top," and then following it up with an equally inventive song about female breasts or something.
   
5. Playing Beer Pong in Lebanon. Get it, kids?

Radio Audience Loves the Way Old-Fart Movie Producer Still Calls Them "Pictures"

Washington D.C.
Letters from listeners nationwide are piling up at NPR's Washington studios in reponse to a recent Fresh Air interview with veteran film producer Richard Zanuck (Jaws, The Sound of Music, Sweeney Todd) , son of early-Hollywood mogul Darryl Zanuck (All About Eve, The Grapes of Wrath, The Longest Day.) NPR listeners were "tickled pink" by the way the elderly studio magnate called movies "pictures" - a word pulled from "motion pictures" which originated in the early days of cinema when naive audiences were bedeviled by films they assumed were photographs in motion.

A favorite word of film historians, former Hollywood players and Peter Bogdanovich, calling movies "pictures" is considered a quaint anachronism from cinema's heyday.

Richard Zanuck is famous for his crisp dialect, a product of a privileged upbringing in Los Angeles. Combined with the ravages of aging and decades of self-promotion, Zanuck's voice now resembles a kindly, grandfatherly sound - which NPR listeners loved to hear say again and again about various movies, "I was particularly proud of that picture." Terry Gross, host of Fresh Air, can be particularly proud of "that interview."

Female Comedian Kills With Joke About Masturbating

GetOnMyMap was invited to attend a professional female comedian's recent set at Hollywood's famous Laugh Factory. She brought down the house with this rousing bit, recounted here by our liveblogger who was on the scene at the time of the set.

Am I right, ladies? I mean, we all do it. [male audience laughter] Fellas, you know what I'm talking about. [Simulates masturbating] [Applause from female attendants, male laughter] Right ladies?

Some of the highlights of her set included:

If I'm supposed to give you head when I'm on my period then [men in audience hoot] haha, DOWN BOY! Come on guys, if we're supposed to give head when we're on the rag ("on the rag" said with a southern twang) then you better get down on this (points to crotch) when you can't get it up. [Women in audience cheer, men laugh uncomfortably]

George Bush is an asshole, am I right? [Mixed applause] Come on, you guys actually like him? [More applause] I thought so... He's just a fucker. I'd rather have this bush in charge (points to crotch again). [Applause]

I don't know sometimes...men and women, they're just like totally different animals. [Cheers]

She closed with this classic joke.

Hey everybody! Vagina!

I Think My Last Email Totally Blew it For Me With Ted in Marketing

The following is a letter from our devoted reader Hank, who works for a Fortune 500 automotive company.

Hey GetOnMyMap,

I'm just having one of those work-a-dog days, know what I'm say-yin? Around the office I'm kind of known as a cut up, and my team thinks Ted in Marketing and I could totally get along great. We could be like Faceman and Murdock from the A-Team.









Anyway, Ted and I have been sending each other funny emails, links to high-larry-us websites and whatnot. All was going easy-peasy japaneesy until I misspelled beeotch (sp?) To be perfectly honest, I don't know how to spell beeotch. Is it supposed to be "bee-otch" like that? Or "bi-atch"? Or maybe just indented and do regular bitch? Because that's exactly what Gina in HR was saying we're not supposed to do.

Well, I sent Ted this email and he basically didn't reply back.

That's the email equivalent of not laughing when a pal does their impression of a great Homer Simpson line.

GetOnMyMap readers, what do you think? Comments follow.

New Mitchell Report Lists "Women He'd Totally Do, Given the Chance"

New York, NY
Formet Senator George Mitchell, recently the center of the steroid controversy in Major League Baseball, has announced at a press conference the "women he'd totally do, given the chance." Some of the women named include:







Anna Benson, wife of free-agent MLB pitcher Kris Benson: "She's a great baseball mind and an enterprising young entrepreneur. Plus, I heard she took pole-dancing lessons last year."










Jessica Alba: "Sure, she's preggers right now, but I'd still put it to her."








Sophia Loren: "She's my go-to mental image after a long, stressful day."









Experts doubt this list is definitive, and Mitchell fueled their speculation. "I see women walking around every day, you know, I don't know their names or anything," said Mitchell. "But still, New York's a great city, am I right?"

"Quick, What Year Is This?!" Shrieks Rachel McAdams to Bewildered Passerby

Los Angeles, CA
Hollywood is abuzz with gossip about Rachel McAdams. Many successful and beautiful actresses are at times questioned about whether they've had any kind of plastic surgery. Rachel McAdams (31) has often been questioned about her actual age and how she maintains such youthful features. Some are now speculating a recent incident at popular LA eatery The Grill may have been a publicity stunt to deflect such questions.

The incident occurred when McAdams excused herself to use the washroom during a lunch meeting with her agents at UTA. Onlookers described hearing an audible "boom" come from the bathroom and moments later, a particularly youthful, energetic McAdams emerged with different colored hair and visible dirt on her person.

She grabbed an elderly woman, demanding to know what year it was. She then scrambled out the door, inexplicably howling, "There's still time!"

White Congressmen Announce New Stereotypes For 2008

Washington, D.C.
Finishing an exhaustive 2-year study of ethnic stereotypes in America, a team of white Congressmen have released their list of cultural and ethnic stereotypes for 2008. Their researchers discovered new cultural trends that they hope will be applied to college acceptance criteria, equal opportunity laws and measures, and other social service initiatives.







Their findings:

• African Americans are presumed to be educated, productive members of the middle class with enviable amounts of intellectual and athletic aptitude.
  
• Asian Americans are taller than before while still being the "go-to" lab partner and math team ringer in public schools.
• Americans of European descent are most often concerned with petty, consumer matters and have grown increasingly fatuous. While other ethnicities devote free time to intellectual, spiritual and athletic pursuits, white Americans are most likely to watch a news report on credit card scams, Social Security's shortcomings, pet food recalls and online child sexual predators.
  

Said one Congressmen - "While there was a considerable push to include hispanic Americans in the study, we chose not to piss anybody off by even attempting to pigeon-hole people of such a diverse and vibrant cultural history. Also, since many speak Spanish - a European language - we chose not to get that specific."

UPDATE: Asked for comment, Alex Smith, a prominent white athlete known for his academic achievement remarked, "Clearly we [white people] have a lot of catch-up work to do."

Boyfriend's Study Finds Giving Blowjobs Reduces Risk for Breast and Ovarian Cancer

Naperville, IL
Citing a scientific report discovered by her boyfriend, Eddie, North Central College student Georgette Brenner told her best friends that giving blowjobs can lower a woman's risk of breast and ovarian cancer. The report, based on 3 weeks of clinical testing, showed no signs of breast nor ovarian cancers in test subjects. Female subjects were asked to perform oral sex on their boyfriends for three weeks on a daily basis and then were tested both for ovarian and breast cancer. Additionally, subjects who performed oral sex more than seven times a week were found to have less facial acne and an easier time falling asleep. Though Brenner found her friends skeptical of the results, she shared the findings with her father, a Veterinarian in Batavia.

"I don't know whether to knock this kid's [Eddie's] lights out or show this report to my wife," reported Dr. Brenner. "Kind of a double-edged sword if you ask me."

Colombian Chapter of Sharks Gang Seize Control in Slum of Medillin

Medillin, Colombia
In a country where many municipal police forces are out-financed by drug cartels, another gang has risen to power in Medillin - they're an offshoot chapter of The Sharks, a Puerto Rican/New York gang. More famous in America for their bitter rivalry with The Jets, a white New York gang, members of The Sharks in Colombia now patrol the streets of a slum in Medillin, maintaining a kind of law and order. The coup occurred late Monday night when members of the gang, frustrated with their marginalized status in the local political power structure, took to the streets in droves, acting out their anger with sudden, balletic jumps, kicks and turns before encountering police retribution. A drawn-out firefight ensued before the police succumbed. Medillin city officials have not announced any intentions to negotiate with The Sharks as of this hour. More as the story develops.

Winter Months Hardest for Sunglasses Models

by Ted Musker, Male Sunglasses Model

See me and Danae there? We look like we're having the time of our life, don't we? Well, that day we were. It was a shoot in Jamaica for Maui Jim's and we had a blast. Of course, that was during summer. Winter is another story altogether. Winter is probably the darkest time of year, as far as needing sunglasses goes. You probably wouldn't think it, but people really don't have a lot of use for sunglasses - at least not designer sunglasses like Maui Jim's. Those are probably the top of the line. But no, not even during the holiday season of giving and generosity. I mean, sure, I could split time doing Oakley shoots on the slopes for their ski goggles, but that's not me. That's not my market. I'm a summer-time, happy-go-lucky kind of dude. Still, it's pretty tough to be like that when it's below 30 outside. All I can say is brrrrr..... :(

Goo Goo Dolls Elfed

Fans of the Goo Goo Dolls and OfficeMax's popular ElfYourself holiday promotional site have made an inexplicably cute and fun Goo Goo Dolls holiday greeting. The animation features lead singer John Rzeznik in the middle with his signature pouted lips and carefully highlighted hair. Inexplicably, the Goo Goo Dolls have released a "greatest hits" album this year, featuring, supposedly, that terrible song from City of Angels.

Unemployed Man Convinced Matt Lauer "Really Phoned It in Today on Today"

Calabasas, CA
Watching the Today Show on NBC this morning, Michael Erlichman was convinced that Matt Lauer was "phoning it in."

"Watching Matt wince through that fluff segment with celebrity chef Giada De Laurentiis on Today's Holiday Kitchen, pretending to enjoy the pita chips and cheesecake hors doeuvres she had made, it was clear he was unfulfilled with his career," noted the unemployed Erlichman. "The only segment he seemed legitimately interested in was the antique maps guy."

Erlichman was recently employed with Countrywide Home Loans but was a casualty of their recent layoffs. Matt Lauer covered that story a few weeks ago, but Erlichman had a job at the time. "I would have liked to see if he cared much about that story. Now I wish I had that on tape," mused Erlichman who says he intends to buy a Tivo for that very purpose.

Lauer shares hosting duties on Today with Meredith Viera, who filled in for Katie Couric when that host left for the CBS Evening News desk.

Democrat Wife Makes "Big, Fucking Deal" Out of Those Women at the Pediatrician's Office Waiting Room

Wellesley, MA
M&A Attorney Larry Redd (38) was made to listen for what seemed like an eternity to the events that transpired over the course of twenty actual minutes at the pediatrician's office by his wife, Alison (37), last Friday evening. Completely ignoring that Larry was playing tennis the next morning, Alison described late into the evening, in agonizing detail, the "totally blown-out-of-proportion" events that happened while waiting at the pediatrician's office for a routine check-up for their only son, Jason Taylor Redd (2).

According to Alison, she was made witness to nothing less than "totally racist and elitist" comments while sitting in the pediatrician's office waiting room. The comments, which it should be noted were made during a conversation that in no way involved Alison, whatsoever, were regarding a recent school referendum to redistrict an unincorporated portion of town into the local K-12 public school district. As Alison would put it, who is after all "the supreme expert on pretty much every little thing in the world," two mothers of local teenagers were distressed that residents of newly-built low-cost condominiums would have access to the school district's excellent educational advantages while paying significantly less in real estate taxes. Supposedly these two women said that when you let "those types," which Alison assumed meant non-white students, into a competitive school district, "they" bring down the average grade point and lower every student's post-high school educational opportunities.

At this point, Larry merely pointed out that in a lot towns that has happened and Alison "fucking blew her top." She went on to explain at great length that diversity raises the educational opportunities for kids and it was for precisely this reason (the re-districting) that Alison wanted to move to Wellesley in the first place. Trying to play damage control, Larry attempted to agree with Alison, but she wouldn't let him off the hook and continued haranguing and challenging him, at times calling him racist and elitist. Larry explained, calmly and rationally, that Alison was being irrational and needed to "take a chill pill so they could both get some sleep." Of course, this didn't stop Alison's onslaught of rhetoric nor calm her frustration. Larry was made to hear her theory of "the racism of lowered expectations" and how something called "white flight" built the modern American suburb. Getting closer and closer to midnight, it appeared Alison was running out of energy and the couple slept soundly through the night turned away from each other. That was why Larry was ten minutes late for the tennis game.