So I Says, "Well, That May Be True, But You'll Have to See MY Pubes Before You Make Up Your Mind."

A Sober Chat Between GetOnMyMap and ESPN Football Analyst Sean Salisbury

<<GOMM has logged onto the chat>>
GOMM: Hello?
<<SeanzBuryBristol has logged onto the chat>>
GOMM: Hi, Mr. Salisbury?
SeanzBuryBristol: Hey wutsup Get On Your Map
GOMM: nm
SeanzBuryBristol: so am i chatin m or f?
GOMM: i'm tracy, the Winter intern
SeanzBuryBristol: nice... lol
GOMM: uh, lol?
SeanzBuryBristol: oh, i sedit like borat - niiiice
GOMM: so who do you have winning the superbowl?
SeanzBuryBristol: i'm not really interested in that right now
GOMM: ok, well, what do you want to talk about?
SeanzBuryBristol: LINK - (ed. note: link not published, it was a pornographic website)
GOMM: thats gross
SeanzBuryBristol: you know you liked it, you've probably been there before
GOMM: are you at work?
SeanzBuryBristol: my office door's closed, nobody's watching me
GOMM: watching you do what?
SeanzBuryBristol: how tall are you?
GOMM: 5' 8"
SeanzBuryBristol: are you in good shape?
GOMM: i ride my bike to work and stuff
SeanzBuryBristol: do you have a boyfriend?
GOMM: yeah
SeanzBuryBristol: does he trim
GOMM: i don't care about that stuff with guys
SeanzBuryBristol: you're just like erin andrews
GOMM: um....
SeanzBuryBristol: yeah, i had her
GOMM: ok
SeanzBuryBristol: i can webcam my pubes, you wanna see?
GOMM: uh... no, actually, i have no interest in that

Ed. Note - at this point Mr. Salisbury turned the webcam down and our intern signed out.

He later called our head editor to brag about the chat and relayed the headline to us.

New Religion Exclusively Targets Straight-Identifying Closeted Homosexuals

East Rutherford, NJ
Advertisements in Men's Health and People Magazine (as well as 30-second spots seen on American Gladiators) have been targeted at closeted homosexuals looking for spiritual and religious enlightenment. The ads, created by the New World Church (or NWC as it is known by its adherents), have targeted straight-identifying closeted homosexuals through a cunning use of aspirational advertising. The ads depict financially solvent adults enjoying heterosexual couplings and expanding their family unit.

Though inspired by Christian imagery, the religion borrows heavily from more radical spiritual movements that seek to control and undo homosexual tendencies in people. Exploiting American sexual taboos, the religion has seen its recruiting numbers explode utilizing its "spiritual tests" which seek to do a complete psycho-sexual profile of an individual and then seek to offer spiritual corrections of behavior its teachings deem "deviant" - namely homoeroticism and homosexuality. The Church is also purportedly developing a program for transgender people. It has had limited success with it's controversial "Abstinence Only For Teen Couples with More Than 3 Years' Age Differences."

All legitimate scientists accept that sexual orientation in humans and many other organisms is predetermined by genetics and is prevalent in about 1 out of every 10 people. Groups offering "cures" for homosexuality (a practice debunked by all reputable experts as foolish and bigoted) have found the bulk of their membership in sexually repressive cultural groups, particularly public figures (athletes, entertainers, politicians and media personalities) whose sexual practices and proclivities can be pathologically scrutinized by the media and private citizens.

Calls to the New World Church were not returned.

Middlebrook PTA Host "Lamest Fucking" Fundraiser Ever

Middlebrook, MO
The School Board-sponsored "Parents of the Carribean" Fundraiser, hosted in Middlebrook High's recently renovated gymnasium was "the lamest fucking party ever, man" according to School Board President Doug Harris' son Steven. The junior Harris, whose attendance at the party was mandated by Mr. and Mrs. Harris after discovering he had been smoking marijuana during a purported study group last Wednesday, was asked to help set up banquet tables and assist PTA members in tallying pledge counts for their fundraising efforts.

Nearly $2,000 were generated at the "retarded" event to help the completion of the new Computer Lab in the main school library.