It's Still Blinking 12:00 AM in Parts of Florida

Breaking News - In many parts of Florida it is still 12:00 AM. Owners manuals are helping some consumer electronics owners catch up to the rest of the world. Most effected, early reports indicate, are the elderly.

Giada De Laurentiis's Best Friends Agree With Her Financial Decisions, Todd

Los Angeles,
Ok, alright, I understand you feel that way, Todd, but I talked about this with Annette and Bree, and they...don't interrupt me Todd, I gave you twenty minutes...they think it's best to avoid ANY real estate investments in the down market, OK? Can your ego handle that reality because I think you're just not listening, are you? Nothing is moving right now. It would be insane, INSANE, to sell this house, Todd. Right now I don't think it's a good idea and Annette and Bree...yes she still does, she's doing that part time, she's an excellent appraiser...they think, they both think it's a bad idea. Are you prepared to drop it now, Todd? I AM PREGNANT HERE!

Clemens Hearing Devolves into Congressional Game of "Pull My Finger"

Washington, D.C.
Rep. Henry Waxman was flummoxed, Wednesday, when he discovered the hearing chambers were overcome with a foul odor. "Would Mr. Clemens now agree to take responsibility for passing gas," asked one perturbed Congressman. What followed became a shouting match between Clemens' assembled attorneys and the Congresspersons over who, indeed, had passed gas in the chambers. Clemens at times was cagey, asserting he had never passed gas in his life and he thought, quite adamantly, that "there's no place in baseball or in life for passing [gas]." Brian McNamee, Clemens' former trainer, added that he had at times passed gas but in this instance he was not passing gas. The real tragedy is that Clemens was the first man accused, and now must defend his character and his bodily functions from constant criticism - as everybody in the cynical media understands "whoever denied it supplied it."