GetOnMyMap

Robosaurus Going Green?

2008-06-05T13:39:00.000-07:00

Is the car-eating robotic dinosaur growing a Green conscience?

North Carolina -

Robosaurus has declared to fans, potential bookings and handlers that it intends, from now on, only to consume "green" automobiles. Taken as a sign of environmental awareness on behalf of the famed car-eating robotic dinosaur, many prominent environmental activists are accusing the dino of not doing enough. "How can Robosaurus claim to be a 'green' machine when it still spews fire from its nostrils and appears at gas-guzzling events like Monster Truck rallies and Nascar races," fumed one upset greeny. Scientists in other disciplines have cried foul of a different fallacy within Robosaur's newfound environmental awareness.

Steve Kim, a robotics researcher with the University of California- Irvine claims that "no man-made computer nor machine has yet achieved sentient thought or the capacity to think with human reason. I sincerely doubt Robosaurus' 'position' comes from within this robotic dinosaur." Kim went on to point out that given Robosaurus' popularity with blue-collar whites and southerners, it doesn't hurt to have an outspoken advocate for the environmental movement, even if it is in the person of a non-thinking robotic car-eating pyrotechnic device.

Robosaurus is scheduled to appear at the Firebird Raceway in Phoenix, AZ June 16th. Organizers of the event have not yet confirmed whether they can replace the Hummer they were planning to feed to Robosaurus on short notice but have told the press in a statement Thursday that "we will try to find a suitable replacement in time for the feeding. We intend to avoid cancelling the event and will do whatever is necessary to make sure that isn't a step we take." Andrew Eissfeldt of Phoenix's Camelback Toyota has stated publicly he could secure "low low" financing on a new or used Prius or "gas-sipping Yaris" for "Robosaurus to eat." At the time of this report, GetOnMyMap was unable to confirm whether the organizers at Firebird Raceway had contacted Eissfeldt.

White House: We're Waiting to See the Movie

2008-05-29T09:59:00.000-07:00

Washington, D.C.

White House Press Secretary Dana Perino has noted that, though outraged, nobody in the White House intends to read former Press Secretary Scott McClellan's new book. They do intend, when it is made, to see a film adaptation. Actor Tom Wilkinson was on hand earlier that day receiving a Medal of Freedom from the President for the actor's unknown-until-recently role in securing the President's victory in the contested 2000 Florida recount.

It's Still Blinking 12:00 AM in Parts of Florida

2008-02-26T16:29:00.000-08:00

Breaking News - In many parts of Florida it is still 12:00 AM. Owners manuals are helping some consumer electronics owners catch up to the rest of the world. Most effected, early reports indicate, are the elderly.

Giada De Laurentiis's Best Friends Agree With Her Financial Decisions, Todd

2008-02-17T01:00:00.000-08:00

Los Angeles,
Ok, alright, I understand you feel that way, Todd, but I talked about this with Annette and Bree, and they...don't interrupt me Todd, I gave you twenty minutes...they think it's best to avoid ANY real estate investments in the down market, OK? Can your ego handle that reality because I think you're just not listening, are you? Nothing is moving right now. It would be insane, INSANE, to sell this house, Todd. Right now I don't think it's a good idea and Annette and Bree...yes she still does, she's doing that part time, she's an excellent appraiser...they think, they both think it's a bad idea. Are you prepared to drop it now, Todd? I AM PREGNANT HERE!

Clemens Hearing Devolves into Congressional Game of "Pull My Finger"

2008-02-13T12:46:00.000-08:00

Washington, D.C.
Rep. Henry Waxman was flummoxed, Wednesday, when he discovered the hearing chambers were overcome with a foul odor. "Would Mr. Clemens now agree to take responsibility for passing gas," asked one perturbed Congressman. What followed became a shouting match between Clemens' assembled attorneys and the Congresspersons over who, indeed, had passed gas in the chambers. Clemens at times was cagey, asserting he had never passed gas in his life and he thought, quite adamantly, that "there's no place in baseball or in life for passing [gas]." Brian McNamee, Clemens' former trainer, added that he had at times passed gas but in this instance he was not passing gas. The real tragedy is that Clemens was the first man accused, and now must defend his character and his bodily functions from constant criticism - as everybody in the cynical media understands "whoever denied it supplied it."

So I Says, "Well, That May Be True, But You'll Have to See MY Pubes Before You Make Up Your Mind."

2008-01-31T11:00:00.000-08:00

A Sober Chat Between GetOnMyMap and ESPN Football Analyst Sean Salisbury

<<GOMM has logged onto the chat>>
GOMM: Hello?
<<SeanzBuryBristol has logged onto the chat>>
GOMM: Hi, Mr. Salisbury?
SeanzBuryBristol: Hey wutsup Get On Your Map
GOMM: nm
SeanzBuryBristol: so am i chatin m or f?
GOMM: i'm tracy, the Winter intern
SeanzBuryBristol: nice... lol
GOMM: uh, lol?
SeanzBuryBristol: oh, i sedit like borat - niiiice
GOMM: so who do you have winning the superbowl?
SeanzBuryBristol: i'm not really interested in that right now
GOMM: ok, well, what do you want to talk about?
SeanzBuryBristol: LINK - (ed. note: link not published, it was a pornographic website)
GOMM: thats gross
SeanzBuryBristol: you know you liked it, you've probably been there before
GOMM: are you at work?
SeanzBuryBristol: my office door's closed, nobody's watching me
GOMM: watching you do what?
SeanzBuryBristol: how tall are you?
GOMM: 5' 8"
SeanzBuryBristol: are you in good shape?
GOMM: i ride my bike to work and stuff
SeanzBuryBristol: do you have a boyfriend?
GOMM: yeah
SeanzBuryBristol: does he trim
GOMM: i don't care about that stuff with guys
SeanzBuryBristol: you're just like erin andrews
GOMM: um....
SeanzBuryBristol: yeah, i had her
GOMM: ok
SeanzBuryBristol: i can webcam my pubes, you wanna see?
GOMM: uh... no, actually, i have no interest in that

Ed. Note - at this point Mr. Salisbury turned the webcam down and our intern signed out.

He later called our head editor to brag about the chat and relayed the headline to us.

New Religion Exclusively Targets Straight-Identifying Closeted Homosexuals

2008-01-30T14:50:00.000-08:00

East Rutherford, NJ
Advertisements in Men's Health and People Magazine (as well as 30-second spots seen on American Gladiators) have been targeted at closeted homosexuals looking for spiritual and religious enlightenment. The ads, created by the New World Church (or NWC as it is known by its adherents), have targeted straight-identifying closeted homosexuals through a cunning use of aspirational advertising. The ads depict financially solvent adults enjoying heterosexual couplings and expanding their family unit.

Though inspired by Christian imagery, the religion borrows heavily from more radical spiritual movements that seek to control and undo homosexual tendencies in people. Exploiting American sexual taboos, the religion has seen its recruiting numbers explode utilizing its "spiritual tests" which seek to do a complete psycho-sexual profile of an individual and then seek to offer spiritual corrections of behavior its teachings deem "deviant" - namely homoeroticism and homosexuality. The Church is also purportedly developing a program for transgender people. It has had limited success with it's controversial "Abstinence Only For Teen Couples with More Than 3 Years' Age Differences."

All legitimate scientists accept that sexual orientation in humans and many other organisms is predetermined by genetics and is prevalent in about 1 out of every 10 people. Groups offering "cures" for homosexuality (a practice debunked by all reputable experts as foolish and bigoted) have found the bulk of their membership in sexually repressive cultural groups, particularly public figures (athletes, entertainers, politicians and media personalities) whose sexual practices and proclivities can be pathologically scrutinized by the media and private citizens.

Calls to the New World Church were not returned.

Middlebrook PTA Host "Lamest Fucking" Fundraiser Ever

2008-01-29T15:47:00.000-08:00

Middlebrook, MO
The School Board-sponsored "Parents of the Carribean" Fundraiser, hosted in Middlebrook High's recently renovated gymnasium was "the lamest fucking party ever, man" according to School Board President Doug Harris' son Steven. The junior Harris, whose attendance at the party was mandated by Mr. and Mrs. Harris after discovering he had been smoking marijuana during a purported study group last Wednesday, was asked to help set up banquet tables and assist PTA members in tallying pledge counts for their fundraising efforts.

Nearly $2,000 were generated at the "retarded" event to help the completion of the new Computer Lab in the main school library.

Holiday Wishes From GetOnMyMap

2007-12-21T12:44:00.000-08:00

Lloyd Carr delivering a multi-culti gift basket to my door and then to have Suzy Kolber ask him how he felt he "executed" it - for the last time...
Rock Star - that game is fucking cool.
1,000,000 hits on this site.
To record my hilarious joke song called "Drinking My Way to the Top," and then following it up with an equally inventive song about female breasts or something.
Playing Beer Pong in Lebanon. Get it, kids?

Radio Audience Loves the Way Old-Fart Movie Producer Still Calls Them "Pictures"

2007-12-19T11:50:00.000-08:00

Washington D.C.
Letters from listeners nationwide are piling up at NPR's Washington studios in reponse to a recent Fresh Air interview with veteran film producer Richard Zanuck (Jaws, The Sound of Music, Sweeney Todd) , son of early-Hollywood mogul Darryl Zanuck (All About Eve, The Grapes of Wrath, The Longest Day.) NPR listeners were "tickled pink" by the way the elderly studio magnate called movies "pictures" - a word pulled from "motion pictures" which originated in the early days of cinema when naive audiences were bedeviled by films they assumed were photographs in motion.

A favorite word of film historians, former Hollywood players and Peter Bogdanovich, calling movies "pictures" is considered a quaint anachronism from cinema's heyday.

Richard Zanuck is famous for his crisp dialect, a product of a privileged upbringing in Los Angeles. Combined with the ravages of aging and decades of self-promotion, Zanuck's voice now resembles a kindly, grandfatherly sound - which NPR listeners loved to hear say again and again about various movies, "I was particularly proud of that picture." Terry Gross, host of Fresh Air, can be particularly proud of "that interview."

Female Comedian Kills With Joke About Masturbating

2007-12-18T11:23:00.000-08:00

GetOnMyMap was invited to attend a professional female comedian's recent set at Hollywood's famous Laugh Factory. She brought down the house with this rousing bit, recounted here by our liveblogger who was on the scene at the time of the set.

Am I right, ladies? I mean, we all do it. [male audience laughter] Fellas, you know what I'm talking about. [Simulates masturbating] [Applause from female attendants, male laughter] Right ladies?

Some of the highlights of her set included:

If I'm supposed to give you head when I'm on my period then [men in audience hoot] haha, DOWN BOY! Come on guys, if we're supposed to give head when we're on the rag ("on the rag" said with a southern twang) then you better get down on this (points to crotch) when you can't get it up. [Women in audience cheer, men laugh uncomfortably]

George Bush is an asshole, am I right? [Mixed applause] Come on, you guys actually like him? [More applause] I thought so... He's just a fucker. I'd rather have this bush in charge (points to crotch again). [Applause]

I don't know sometimes...men and women, they're just like totally different animals. [Cheers]

She closed with this classic joke.

Hey everybody! Vagina!

I Think My Last Email Totally Blew it For Me With Ted in Marketing

2007-12-17T12:53:00.000-08:00

The following is a letter from our devoted reader Hank, who works for a Fortune 500 automotive company.

Hey GetOnMyMap,

I'm just having one of those work-a-dog days, know what I'm say-yin? Around the office I'm kind of known as a cut up, and my team thinks Ted in Marketing and I could totally get along great. We could be like Faceman and Murdock from the A-Team.

Anyway, Ted and I have been sending each other funny emails, links to high-larry-us websites and whatnot. All was going easy-peasy japaneesy until I misspelled beeotch (sp?) To be perfectly honest, I don't know how to spell beeotch. Is it supposed to be "bee-otch" like that? Or "bi-atch"? Or maybe just indented and do regular bitch? Because that's exactly what Gina in HR was saying we're not supposed to do.

Well, I sent Ted this email and he basically didn't reply back.

That's the email equivalent of not laughing when a pal does their impression of a great Homer Simpson line.

GetOnMyMap readers, what do you think? Comments follow.

New Mitchell Report Lists "Women He'd Totally Do, Given the Chance"

2007-12-14T16:19:00.000-08:00

New York, NY
Formet Senator George Mitchell, recently the center of the steroid controversy in Major League Baseball, has announced at a press conference the "women he'd totally do, given the chance." Some of the women named include:

Anna Benson, wife of free-agent MLB pitcher Kris Benson: "She's a great baseball mind and an enterprising young entrepreneur. Plus, I heard she took pole-dancing lessons last year."

Jessica Alba: "Sure, she's preggers right now, but I'd still put it to her."

Sophia Loren: "She's my go-to mental image after a long, stressful day."

Experts doubt this list is definitive, and Mitchell fueled their speculation. "I see women walking around every day, you know, I don't know their names or anything," said Mitchell. "But still, New York's a great city, am I right?"

"Quick, What Year Is This?!" Shrieks Rachel McAdams to Bewildered Passerby

2007-12-14T14:25:00.000-08:00

Los Angeles, CA
Hollywood is abuzz with gossip about Rachel McAdams. Many successful and beautiful actresses are at times questioned about whether they've had any kind of plastic surgery. Rachel McAdams (31) has often been questioned about her actual age and how she maintains such youthful features. Some are now speculating a recent incident at popular LA eatery The Grill may have been a publicity stunt to deflect such questions.

The incident occurred when McAdams excused herself to use the washroom during a lunch meeting with her agents at UTA. Onlookers described hearing an audible "boom" come from the bathroom and moments later, a particularly youthful, energetic McAdams emerged with different colored hair and visible dirt on her person.

She grabbed an elderly woman, demanding to know what year it was. She then scrambled out the door, inexplicably howling, "There's still time!"

White Congressmen Announce New Stereotypes For 2008

2007-12-13T13:01:00.000-08:00

Washington, D.C.
Finishing an exhaustive 2-year study of ethnic stereotypes in America, a team of white Congressmen have released their list of cultural and ethnic stereotypes for 2008. Their researchers discovered new cultural trends that they hope will be applied to college acceptance criteria, equal opportunity laws and measures, and other social service initiatives.

Their findings:

African Americans are presumed to be educated, productive members of the middle class with enviable amounts of intellectual and athletic aptitude.
Asian Americans are taller than before while still being the "go-to" lab partner and math team ringer in public schools.
Americans of European descent are most often concerned with petty, consumer matters and have grown increasingly fatuous. While other ethnicities devote free time to intellectual, spiritual and athletic pursuits, white Americans are most likely to watch a news report on credit card scams, Social Security's shortcomings, pet food recalls and online child sexual predators.

Said one Congressmen - "While there was a considerable push to include hispanic Americans in the study, we chose not to piss anybody off by even attempting to pigeon-hole people of such a diverse and vibrant cultural history. Also, since many speak Spanish - a European language - we chose not to get that specific."

UPDATE: Asked for comment, Alex Smith, a prominent white athlete known for his academic achievement remarked, "Clearly we [white people] have a lot of catch-up work to do."

Boyfriend's Study Finds Giving Blowjobs Reduces Risk for Breast and Ovarian Cancer

2007-12-12T11:54:00.000-08:00

Naperville, IL
Citing a scientific report discovered by her boyfriend, Eddie, North Central College student Georgette Brenner told her best friends that giving blowjobs can lower a woman's risk of breast and ovarian cancer. The report, based on 3 weeks of clinical testing, showed no signs of breast nor ovarian cancers in test subjects. Female subjects were asked to perform oral sex on their boyfriends for three weeks on a daily basis and then were tested both for ovarian and breast cancer. Additionally, subjects who performed oral sex more than seven times a week were found to have less facial acne and an easier time falling asleep. Though Brenner found her friends skeptical of the results, she shared the findings with her father, a Veterinarian in Batavia.

"I don't know whether to knock this kid's [Eddie's] lights out or show this report to my wife," reported Dr. Brenner. "Kind of a double-edged sword if you ask me."

Colombian Chapter of Sharks Gang Seize Control in Slum of Medillin

2007-12-11T13:47:00.000-08:00

Medillin, Colombia
In a country where many municipal police forces are out-financed by drug cartels, another gang has risen to power in Medillin - they're an offshoot chapter of The Sharks, a Puerto Rican/New York gang. More famous in America for their bitter rivalry with The Jets, a white New York gang, members of The Sharks in Colombia now patrol the streets of a slum in Medillin, maintaining a kind of law and order. The coup occurred late Monday night when members of the gang, frustrated with their marginalized status in the local political power structure, took to the streets in droves, acting out their anger with sudden, balletic jumps, kicks and turns before encountering police retribution. A drawn-out firefight ensued before the police succumbed. Medillin city officials have not announced any intentions to negotiate with The Sharks as of this hour. More as the story develops.

Winter Months Hardest for Sunglasses Models

2007-12-07T10:21:00.000-08:00

by Ted Musker, Male Sunglasses Model

See me and Danae there? We look like we're having the time of our life, don't we? Well, that day we were. It was a shoot in Jamaica for Maui Jim's and we had a blast. Of course, that was during summer. Winter is another story altogether. Winter is probably the darkest time of year, as far as needing sunglasses goes. You probably wouldn't think it, but people really don't have a lot of use for sunglasses - at least not designer sunglasses like Maui Jim's. Those are probably the top of the line. But no, not even during the holiday season of giving and generosity. I mean, sure, I could split time doing Oakley shoots on the slopes for their ski goggles, but that's not me. That's not my market. I'm a summer-time, happy-go-lucky kind of dude. Still, it's pretty tough to be like that when it's below 30 outside. All I can say is brrrrr..... :(

Goo Goo Dolls Elfed

2007-12-06T15:05:00.001-08:00

Fans of the Goo Goo Dolls and OfficeMax's popular ElfYourself holiday promotional site have made an inexplicably cute and fun Goo Goo Dolls holiday greeting. The animation features lead singer John Rzeznik in the middle with his signature pouted lips and carefully highlighted hair. Inexplicably, the Goo Goo Dolls have released a "greatest hits" album this year, featuring, supposedly, that terrible song from City of Angels.

Unemployed Man Convinced Matt Lauer "Really Phoned It in Today on Today"

2007-12-04T10:55:00.000-08:00

Calabasas, CA
Watching the Today Show on NBC this morning, Michael Erlichman was convinced that Matt Lauer was "phoning it in."

"Watching Matt wince through that fluff segment with celebrity chef Giada De Laurentiis on Today's Holiday Kitchen, pretending to enjoy the pita chips and cheesecake hors doeuvres she had made, it was clear he was unfulfilled with his career," noted the unemployed Erlichman. "The only segment he seemed legitimately interested in was the antique maps guy."

Erlichman was recently employed with Countrywide Home Loans but was a casualty of their recent layoffs. Matt Lauer covered that story a few weeks ago, but Erlichman had a job at the time. "I would have liked to see if he cared much about that story. Now I wish I had that on tape," mused Erlichman who says he intends to buy a Tivo for that very purpose.

Lauer shares hosting duties on Today with Meredith Viera, who filled in for Katie Couric when that host left for the CBS Evening News desk.

Democrat Wife Makes "Big, Fucking Deal" Out of Those Women at the Pediatrician's Office Waiting Room

2007-12-03T13:14:00.000-08:00

Wellesley, MA
M&A Attorney Larry Redd (38) was made to listen for what seemed like an eternity to the events that transpired over the course of twenty actual minutes at the pediatrician's office by his wife, Alison (37), last Friday evening. Completely ignoring that Larry was playing tennis the next morning, Alison described late into the evening, in agonizing detail, the "totally blown-out-of-proportion" events that happened while waiting at the pediatrician's office for a routine check-up for their only son, Jason Taylor Redd (2).

According to Alison, she was made witness to nothing less than "totally racist and elitist" comments while sitting in the pediatrician's office waiting room. The comments, which it should be noted were made during a conversation that in no way involved Alison, whatsoever, were regarding a recent school referendum to redistrict an unincorporated portion of town into the local K-12 public school district. As Alison would put it, who is after all "the supreme expert on pretty much every little thing in the world," two mothers of local teenagers were distressed that residents of newly-built low-cost condominiums would have access to the school district's excellent educational advantages while paying significantly less in real estate taxes. Supposedly these two women said that when you let "those types," which Alison assumed meant non-white students, into a competitive school district, "they" bring down the average grade point and lower every student's post-high school educational opportunities.

At this point, Larry merely pointed out that in a lot towns that has happened and Alison "fucking blew her top." She went on to explain at great length that diversity raises the educational opportunities for kids and it was for precisely this reason (the re-districting) that Alison wanted to move to Wellesley in the first place. Trying to play damage control, Larry attempted to agree with Alison, but she wouldn't let him off the hook and continued haranguing and challenging him, at times calling him racist and elitist. Larry explained, calmly and rationally, that Alison was being irrational and needed to "take a chill pill so they could both get some sleep." Of course, this didn't stop Alison's onslaught of rhetoric nor calm her frustration. Larry was made to hear her theory of "the racism of lowered expectations" and how something called "white flight" built the modern American suburb. Getting closer and closer to midnight, it appeared Alison was running out of energy and the couple slept soundly through the night turned away from each other. That was why Larry was ten minutes late for the tennis game.

Rep. Charles Rangel: I'm No Longer Using the N-Word In Proposed Legislation

2007-11-30T14:45:00.000-08:00

Washington, D.C.
Under pressure from many sides, Rep. Charles Rangel (D, New York's 15th) announced Friday that he will no longer use the "N-word" in bills and other official memorandum as they pertain to his duties as a member of Congress. Rangel also announced his intentions to stop using the word in casual conversation as well.

"I used to feel that word could only be defeated by using it as a term of affection for my fellow African Americans," he said in a surprise announcement on Capitol Hill. "With the year that word has had, I no longer want it to be a part of me. I want 2008 to be the first year I don't use it at all." Rangel called on hip hop artists, comedians and African Americans to join him in kind. "Why not say brother, or brotha," he suggested. "And I'm certain sister or sista is a more respectful, more honest portrayal of African American women than bitches, ho's and those assorted words."

Rangel intends to rewrite a bill he proposed last week that was laden with profanity and frequent use of the "n-word." A Capitol Hill insider described one passage from the Urban Sports Equipment Co-Financing bill as saying "papa need brand new shoes, but what the fuck can a [n-word] do?" Experts have pointed out that Rangel was referencing the late Tupac Shakur's song "Po [N-Word] Blues." The late rapper's latest 2-disc release, The Best of 2Pac Part 1 - Thug and Part 2 - Life, is out December 4th, 2007.

Writers' Strike: Pinkertons Attack Writers of "Two and a Half Men"

2007-11-29T14:33:00.000-08:00

Los Angeles, CA
While negotiators from the WGA and the studios broker a deal to end the protracted Writers' Guild of America (East and West) strike, sources within the organization revealed that the Pinkerton National Detective Agency have "roughed up" the entire writing staff of Two and a Half Men. It is unclear whether the firm was hired by the studios or television critics and viewers with IQ's in the triple digits.

Some say the attack shows a rip in the seam of solidarity between guild members as none rushed to the protection of the show's writers. The attack reportedly took place outside the Beverly gates at CBS' Los Angeles Studios where popular shows like "The Price is Right" are filmed.

Koji the Invisible California Brown Bear: "My Habitat is Under Attack"

2007-11-29T10:32:00.000-08:00

Yosemite, CA
Koji, a proud Invisible California Brown Bear, announced Thursday that his natural habitat has sustained irreversible damage as a consequence of decades of human negligence. Cited as key contributors to the decline of Koji's wild habitat are air pollution, deforestation, drought caused by irrigation and the near-extinction of Invisible Wild Grouse, the Invisible California Brown Bear's only known food source. Though puzzling, a University of California-Berkley wildlife biologist has posited that the Invisible Wild Grouse population could be attributed to "misfired shots of hunters who are unaware they have shot the invisible, non-sounding bird and cars who have struck them on nearby roads and thoroughfares." Without serious action, the Invisible California Brown Bear may be something seldom seen on this Earth - perhaps never again.

Steadman and Gayle Surprise Reporters Assembled at Press Conferences With Bounty of Obama Campaign Swag

2007-11-28T11:45:00.000-08:00

Chicago, IL
It was reported this afternoon that both Steadman Graham (at right) and Gayle King (at left) have formally announced their endorsements of Senator Barack Obama's (D, IL) bid for the Presidency. In separate press conferences, the frequent companions of Oprah Winfrey delighted the assembled reporters with thousands of dollars worth of Obama campaign paraphenalia, including hats, buttons and tote bags. One lucky reporter from the New Orleans Times-Picayune even got away with a new Ford Focus sedan emblazoned with Obama campaign logos.

A spokesman for Mr. Graham has stated publicly that Mr. Graham's endorsement was entirely independent of Oprah Winfrey's, Mr. Graham's frequent companion. Ms. King spoke publicly for the first time about her own endorsement of Senator Obama, indicating that she plans to campaign aggressively for the Senator, if asked. The Obama campaign declined comment on this story.

Top Halo 3 Aliases

2007-11-27T14:30:00.001-08:00

Tech Beat
Halo 3 is a hit with gamers. Online players are accustomed to seeing many names inform them they have been "fragged." It isn't uncommon to see something like "You have been killed by KermitDFrog3012."

Here are some other popular names.

AnalFissures
YourMothersSuffocatingLove
SittingOnYourBelvederes
TooMuchNachoCheeseDoritosFatass
TheHubrisOfMan
YourOwnReluctanceToChangeStrategies
ALotOfPeopleWhoAreBetterAtThisThanYou

Computer Stuck In Mobius-Strip Video Conference With Self

2007-11-21T10:40:00.000-08:00

Silicon Valley, CA
An HP Compaq desktop PC found itself stuck, Wednesday, in a perpetually circular video conference with itself while running a test of a new Windows-based video conferencing software. The paradoxical anomaly was attributed to the computer's user who inadvertently entered the computer into the chat twice. A fractal geometrist from Stanford, Ali Hezzad, was asked to help fix the computer. Hezzad grew concerned when the computer suddenly aborted the chat and reverted to an MS-DOS version of a Tic Tac Toe game and began referring to itself as "Joshua."

In other tech news, WarGames is now only $9.99 at Amazon.com!

Budweiser Urging Consumers to Drink Responsibly Much, Much More Than They Already Do

2007-11-20T15:07:00.000-08:00

St. Louis, MO
Anheuser-Busch, parent company of Budweiser brand beers, has kicked off a new ad-campaign meant to raise public awareness about responsible, frequent alcoholic beverage consumption. "Our bold new campaign is a response to the trends we've observed in the alcoholic beverage market the over the last three quarters," noted an Anheuser-Busch representative. "Responsible consumption is more and more a concern of our core consumer group and we feel this new campaign reflects those concerns while still effectively marketing a great product."

Advertising experts note the campaign's effectiveness will be tested by the willingness of Budweiser's consumers to equate "responsible beer drinking" with "frequent beer drinking." Washington University in St. Louis Media professor Devon Carver notes that alcohol consumers already think of beer as a "cheap-enough drink you can enjoy more than one of in the course of a fun evening out." Carver went on to note, "I'm intrigued to see how this particular message will resonate and whether it will effect Budweiser's sales objectives for this quarter." The ad-campaign coincides with an across-the-board $1-reduction for all Anheuser-Busch beer brands sold in packs of 12, 18, 24 and 30.

Lloyd Carr: "I'm Not Here to Talk About the Michigan Football Coaching Position"

2007-11-19T17:28:00.000-08:00

Ann Arbor, Michigan
Soon-to-be-retired head coach of the Michigan Wolverines Lloyd Carr deflected questions from reporters late Monday about his interest in the newly available head coaching job at Michigan. "I'm happy where I am, I have the best job in football," added Carr, who coyly avoided taking his name off the list of possible candidates for the position - which he announced he would step down from at the season's end. Carr joins Louisiana State University's head coach Les Miles and the NFL's Tampa Bay Buccaneers' head coach Jon Gruden in refusing to speak about the Michigan coaching position. Many Wolverine fans have speculated Carr may be growing senile in his autumn years, using Michigan's latest football failures as evidence to support this. Many also note his announcing retirement and then refusing to say whether he'd consider filling his vacancy as evidence of the same.

Socialite Couple Exploit "Trial Period" Loophole After Refugee Orphan Adoption Benefit

2007-10-25T10:22:00.000-07:00

New York, NY
Spencer Rothgate and wife Bella utilized a little-known "trial period" loophole in the adoption papers they signed at this June's semi-annual George and Marilyn Gaines Foundation Adoption Benefit for the Children of Iraq. The benefit was a coordinated effort of Amnesty International and a number of international aid groups, hosted in New York at the University Club by the George and Marilyn Gaines Foundation. The event hosted some of the most prominent names and families in Manhattan society, including the aformentioned Rothgates (who celebrated their 4th anniversary of marriage and childlessness in March of this year.) The Rothgates were instantly smitten with a girl, whose age was estimated at 7 (Iraqi birth-certificates are notoriously inaccurate) and whose charms were not lost on the assembled guests. The girl's solo during a triumphant choral recital that kicked off the event ensured many aspiring parents would be after her. A brief moment of tension between Spencer Rothgate and Pryce Eddlesford (newly named Chairman of the Quincy Group) subsided and the girl was adopted by the Rothgates and promptly named Helen.

Though uncommon, some adoption agencies have some form of "trial period" written into their adoption agreements with affluent parents. Shona Shaw, a worker with the refugee foundation from where Helen was adopted, explained Wednesday, "Many times, the affluent find their personal and professional schedules too taxing, and childcare usually falls off their radars."

The Rothgates declined to be quoted, but friends in their circle admitted that Helen had difficulty assimilating. She struggled with English lessons, had numerous medical problems and most perplexingly, was prone to night terrors.

The Rothgates are expected to attend a Rescued Pet Auction next month and anticipate having children in the near future.

Older Brother's Comic Collection Re-Read With Help of Acetone Solvent

2007-10-18T12:20:00.000-07:00

Broomfield, CO
Using an acetone mixture, Maurice Jackson (14) successfully finished the last issue of Witchblade his older brother Jerry had collected ten years ago. Maurice discovered a problem while reading the first couple issues - certain pages containing key plot points had become pasted together somehow. With the help of an internet message board, he applied a mixture of acetone to the edges of the stuck pages and worked his way to the center of the page. Though there were a few rips and tears along with the occasional discoloring, Maurice was able to finish the books his brother had collected during his adolescence.

Witchblade was a successful 1990's comic book series featuring the exploits of NYPD homicide detective Sara Pezzini who came into possession of the witchblade, a supernatural weapon that covered her body as a form of protection (thusly ripping apart whatever clothes she wore at the time.)

IT Temp Convinced Co-Workers All Suffer From Asperger's Syndrome

2007-10-04T11:51:00.000-07:00

Scottsdale, AZ
Dennis Huff, 26, a temporary contract worker at local computer consultant company Dearbourne Solutions, is convinced now that the entirety of his new co-workers in the IT group suffer from one form or another of Asperger's syndrome.

First identified in 1944 by Hans Asperger, the syndrome's most common symptoms include failure to recognize common social cues, restricted and repetitive interests and behaviors, difficulty with speech and language cognition, and various other anomalies.

Huff first learned of Asperger's syndrome during a course in Elementary Psychology he took while enrolled at Arizona State University's Tempe campus in the fall of 2000. He would graduate with a degree in Theater, however his experience with computers helped him find work as a temporary IT contractor while trying to find work as an actor and stage director in the Phoenix/Tempe/Scottsdale area. Huff first noted a co-worker who suffered from Asperger's when he overheard a Quality Assurance developer speaking to a supervisor. He noted how despite the supervisor's obvious attempts to end the conversation, the QA developer obliviously continued making an agonizing appeal for additional questions to be added on some kind of user feedback survey going out in a month.

Huff then experienced firsthand such a conversation with a Help Desk Administrator when he absent-mindedly noted he enjoyed catching the end of a recent episode of Battlestar Galactica. The Help Desk administrator then informed Huff, who was 33 years his junior, that the original Battlestar Galactica was "campy and silly." Huff found himself listening half-heartedly for the next 24 minutes to what other 70's television shows that are considered campy would make great prime-time shows with a creative restructuring, like NBC's new Bionic Woman.

Current reports place Asperger's around 1% of the total number of children and adults suffering from developmental or physical disabilities. Huff's discovery at his place of work shows an inordinately high concentration of sufferers, given current statistical analysis. As of now, experts have identified no clear cause as to why Huff's company employs such a large population of workers with this particular disability leading some to speculate Huff may have overdiagnosed the disorder.

Huff told friends and family that he plans to avoid all unnecessary conversations at work with his co-workers just to "be on the safe side." There is no known cure for Asperger's syndrome, but researchers note that unlike the developmental disorder it is often confused with (autism,) victims of Asperger's can lead highly functioning lives.

Female Hip-Hopper Prone to Losing Control of "The Beat"

2007-09-27T12:38:00.001-07:00

The Bronx, NY
Lil' Miss, a hip-hopper, has noted of late in her music that she is losing control of "the beat." Asserted many times in a song, aptly named Can't Stop the Beat, Miss raps, "I can't stop the beat/You can't stop the beat/Who can stop the beat?/Ain't nobody gonna stop/this/beat." "The Beat" in question is left unspecified in the song, leading many to speculate that, given the beat-oriented nature of hip hop music, Miss may be poetically asserting her lack of control as a female in a male-dominated music business. Still others suppose it may simply allude to the power of music and how it renders its fans powerless to resist dancing. It should be noted the fallout of "beat control loss" has no known immediate dangers to those who have lost the ability to stop "the beat" nor those in their direct vicinity, however it has been shown to overheat certain models of the BOSS DR880 Rhythm Machine.

At a recent concert, Miss famously improvised the command, "Everybody move down to the floor/Lemme see you dance some more/I said everybody move down to the floor/feel the rhythm rhythm rock with ya more." It can only be assumed she was speaking to the crowd and not society in general which would have created an interpretive situation the concert venue seemed ill-equipped to handle.

Profiles in Success: Richard Kelly, Film Director

2007-09-20T14:53:00.000-07:00

Hollywood, CA
Our Profiles in Success series has caught up with Hollywood film director Richard Kelly, who made a name for himself with the cult film Donnie Darko in 2001. Since then he has gone on to write the screenplay for Domino and wrote and directed the upcoming Southland Tales.

Edie Warren, 3rd-grade Language Arts teacher - Richie's favorite part of class was writing short stories, but I found his were always full of strange, disjointed themes and overall self-indulgent. The one story I felt he wrote best was also his most straight-forward, though I suspected very much he had help from his parents.

Louis Youngman, Manager at Starbucks where Kelly worked in college - He had a lot of energy and would always try new, innovative blends of coffee, but often got the basics completely wrong with customer's orders - like remembering if they wanted caffeinated or decaf. In fact, he basically made one half-way decent cup of coffee and the rest got worse until I grew tired of his provocative but meandering antics and fired him.

Mark Rabinowitz, High school football coach - I never really understood how Richard made the Varsity squad. He was the back-up tight-end but never ran the right routes. Sure, sometimes that kind of thing would throw off defenders and he'd score a miracle touchdown, but he really lacked a basic grasp of the game and his role in it. He racked up so many penalties for false starts, nearly cost us the season.

John Campisi, Richard's agent at CAA - Richard is a superstar. He's a fucking manimal! He's a creative whirlwind and when you get in his way, watch out! He's about to make it big time.

I'd Like to Talk With You Today About an Exciting Love-Making Opportunity in Your Area

2007-09-19T13:05:00.000-07:00

Kansas City, MO

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NBC to Develop Spanglish Version of Sabado Gigante

2007-09-18T12:22:00.000-07:00

San Diego, CA
The hit Univision talk and variety show Sabado Gigante is being developed by NBC in a bi-lingual format for the November sweeps season. Billed as the first "spanglish" television talk show, guests will be encouraged to use Spanish words and phrases in addition to English slang. Hosts around the country are auditioning for the role that would fill the shoes of the amiable host Don Francisco (pictured holding a cellular phone) for the "spanglish" market. San Diego's own Artie Ojeda (of NBC 7/39) has vowed to bring his popular blend of energy and perfect pronunciation of Spanish words and English words. NBC Universal executives have declined to comment whether the show's more sensual segments, such as the many sexy Latin-musical performers, will be downplayed from the new show.

Guests will be encouraged to roll their "R's" and shake their hips, ala Charro. Additionally, it will be advised they make frequent use of the phrase "en fuego" to describe their career, their personal/intimate lives, or their abdominal muscles. Production of a first-run is to commence in October and will be broadcast in key "spanglish" markets, like the Southwest United States and Miami, FL.

Boy Outraged at New Study on Teen Sexual Activity

2007-09-17T08:38:00.000-07:00

Peoria, IL
Local 12 year old (and virgin) Ricky Morehouse is outraged to learn that national statistics show that boys lose their virginity, on average, at age 17 and that a startling number reported to have lost it before their 13th birthdays. Upon reading the report published in US News & World Report, Morehouse slammed the periodical on the bathroom counter before furiously masturbating as quietly as possible so as not to alarm his mother who was waiting in the hallway to use the bathroom herself.

Morehouse has, as of late, marveled at what seems like a veritable American orgy on which he is unfairly missing out. "I don't even have a girlfriend," confessed the upset pre-teen to best friend and fellow virgin Dylan Slowitz. "I haven't even gotten to first base!" Slowitz, who has reluctantly tolerated his friend's complaints lately, is not as far into his sexual development. He admitted to reporters that he lied to Morehouse regarding the growth of his own pubic hair - "I don't have any yet. I don't know, Ricky is obsessed about his, he says he has, like, five already."

Asked to comment, Ricky scoffed. "It's more like 8 or 9 now, but I didn't check this morning so it's probably a lot more."

Morehouse has expressed to Slowitz that next week he plans to ask classmate Audrey Klein (who it should be noted was the third in class to start developing breasts) to be his girlfriend. Asked for advice, Morehouse's older brother and non-virgin Dennis said, "If you want a girl to do it, you have to date her for at least a year, especially at your age." The elder Morehouse brother is considered an expert on teenage sexual activity, having "done it" with "at least three girls already."

With Ricky's 13th birthday coming in November, sources close to the boy expect, should Audrey Klein agree to date him, he may well attain his goal of losing his virginity before turning 14. Asked for comment, Morehouse's mother Patricia said, "His teachers say he's very distracted in school and is taking a lot of bathroom trips. I think he may have a tape worm or something so I'm taking him to the pediatrician next week. I think the tapeworm is making him depressed because he's been acting very stressed out lately."

I'm Thinking off Getting My Avatar a Piercing

2007-09-14T10:49:00.000-07:00

San Jose, CA
So I can't decide y'all. Should I give my avatar a piercing? I've always wanted to give my avatar a piercing, but I wouldn't know where to put it. Nipple's too extreme, right? I can't wait for the 3.0 build for my avatar group when we can do all those other cool things. I like going to the Tek Night Club for live-chats with other hotty avatars, but I want to follow up on some proposed e-dates like e-sky diving and e-surfing. And I think I might get better at Guitar Hero and post my highscores in the chats to see if anybody else at Tek's can grind an ax as hard as I? Of course, what'd be great is teaching my avatar to play guitar...but I understand for every new technology build there must be baby steps. Can't wait for 3.0!

Female Inmates Hate New Gay Warden

2007-09-13T16:09:00.000-07:00

Sarasota, FL
The verdict is in - new Forton State Women's Correctional Facility warden Lyle Thomas is not winning the "hearts and minds of the inmates" as he swore he would when appointed to the position in June of this year. One inmate, April Montana, complained that her frequent attempts to seduce the warden - twice while showering with cellmate Jill St. Louis - went poorly. Said the inmate, "He didn't even break a sweat. He just stood there. I think he's a fag."

A number of female inmates have echoed Montana's complaints, mainly that Thomas seems completely disinterested in engaging in compromising sexual situations with them while their compatriots snatch cell keys to plan escape. Most are in agreement that Thomas must be homosexual. It should be noted that the majority of the inmates are in their early to mid twenties and none weigh more than 120 pounds. Additionally, many have also had breast augmentation surgeries.

New inmate Julie White, who maintains her innocence from her recent murder conviction in the mysterious death/disappearance of her mafioso husband, admits Thomas was not what she expected. "My first week inside, I expected him to take advantage of me but he just checked my record and informed me of the rules here," confesses White.

For a time, it was suspected Thomas might have been racist when he rejected the advances of Foxy Green and her cell-mate Jumela Jones, both African-American inmates. However, when the cell-mates partnered up in a failed shower-seduction with Lacey James and Nikki Wilde, they formed the now-popular theory that Thomas must be gay. Asked to comment on the wild speculations inside the prison regarding his sexual orientation, Thomas offered only, "I love my wife very much and am very proud of my successes in this career."

New Study: Reverse Psychology Fails in Campus Police Interrogation of Underage Coeds

2007-09-12T16:13:00.000-07:00

New York, NY
A nationwide study of over 100 of America's colleges and universities revealed Wednesday that reverse psychology had a 94% failure rate during interrogations in the field at off-campus parties and bars between campus police and students.

Said one officer from Florida State University's campus police unit; "One night I told this kid, 'You probably have been out studying in the library and are just tired, which would explain why you're slurring your speech and falling over, right?' This kid just looked back at me and grinned and then said, 'Right you are.' I had nothing to go on at that point and eventually let him go."

Many police officers have found sarcasm and back-handed compliments also fail in the field when enforcing underage drinking laws. Said an officer from North Carolina State University; "One time I had these three girls who were drunk and I said something like 'I bet all the frat boys like you better when you're wasted and you're eyes are bloodshot, huh.' And they laughed their heads off and then revealed their breasts to me. That's when I knew I wasn't reaching these kids."

The authors of the study advise police to maintain a firm attitude when dealing with underage drinking. "What these kids need is structure and discipline. Often times they are just acting out because they aren't receiving positive attention and reinforcement. As police, you can intervene - offering the concern of an adult and the support of an upstanding citizen," said Michael Medlow, PhD - one of the co-authors.

Future of Humanity Responsibility of Effete 11-Year-Old British Kid

2007-09-11T16:43:00.001-07:00

London, UK
After an ancient evil has been un-earthed, the only hope for all of humanity rests upon the untested shoulders of James Cobbler, an eleven-year-old who - get this - is the 100th descendant of the last mortal who defeated this ancient evil, known colloquially as Xartox the Horrible when in human-like form. For some god-awful reason, the Elders of Banning Moor declared that the 100th descendant of Sir Ian Cobbler would be the only person worthy of carrying the Sword of 1000 Souls, the one weapon that can defeat Xartox, banishing the dread Lord to another 1000 years of isolation deep within the volcanic ash of Scotland, or something. James, who is 11 and speaks with a lisp, is also a weakling and gets picked on all the time - this picture was provided by his local community theater in which he's a background dancer for their production of Camelot. And nobody expects him to be capable of anything special, wouldn't you know. It's almost like his lifelong dream has come true, coupled with all of our collective worst nightmares.

Naturally, getting James and the Sword of 1000 Souls together is damn-near impossible and will require the help of a ragtag group of unreliable misfits and outcasts - oh yeah - and one mildly attractive girl named Penny who James has a crush on. World leaders have agreed; "We're all fucked," admits French president Nicolas Sarkozy - in French, of course. Should Xartox get his ancient evil hands on the Sword of 1000 Souls (which needlessly and foolishly the Elders of Banning Moor have hidden closer to the dark Lord's last known whereabouts than anywhere close to the young Cobbler) all of humanity will be banished to an eternity of darkness and slavery to his minions - the Slikers - winged demonic shitheads who all have thick Cockney accents and like to laugh at the misfortune of humans. So yeah, we're fucked.

John Gotti Jr. Unable to Refinance Subprime Mortgage

2007-08-31T09:18:00.000-07:00

A frustrated John Gotti Jr., known in the mob world as "Junior" Gotti, was unable to refinance a subprime mortgage he had taken on his Long Island home to help finance an investment in a local restaurant. Vittorio's, a local surf and turf eatery, has been looking for investors for months and "Junior" Gotti had speculated to the owner, Sal Dominio, he'd be interested in partial ownership. However, with an unfavorable lending market, Gotti is unlikely to make the investment. "Unless I find another way to borrow some money, somehow, I got no choice but to back off," mentioned Gotti.

College Football Kickoff: Where Student Athletes Interview for Careers in Commercial Real Estate

2007-08-30T10:36:00.000-07:00

In big college towns across the country, football players are prepping their bodies and minds for a body-pounding season of gridiron rigors. But many are also confronting the inescapable fact that life after football is coming up right around the corner. Most spent their summer break interning with commercial real estate firms, learning how best to incorporate their pigskin successes into a boardroom setting, selling development opportunities in real estate nationwide. Said Arizona State University junior walk-on wide receiver Tate Allen; "Working with the team at Solomon, Berthet and Wile really helped me see how I can take my football skills and translate those into a lucrative career in commercial real estate. The Phoenix-Tempe-Scottsdale market is blowing up right now." Allen was made an informal offer for employment should he help the Sun Devils reach a bowl game.

GOP Congress Members to Address Death Tax Exemption for Helmsley Dog

2007-08-29T09:54:00.000-07:00

Washington, DC
Republican leaders of both the House and Senate have pledged to push for a permanent end to the Estate Tax, or "Death Tax, " as some in the party call it, immediately upon their return to Washington at the end of the month. Senator Mitch McConnell, (R-Ky,) a long time opponent of the tax, is calling for a repeal of the tax, but has promised that, short of that, he will secure legislation ensuring that dogs do not fall victim of what he calls "an inexcusable greedy government grab."

The recent disclosure that hotel heiress Leona Helmsley has left a reported $12 million dollars to her beloved pet, Trouble, has tugged on the heartstrings of the GOP. "Dogs are defenseless creatures of God," Rep. Rick Renzi,(R-Az) stated to the Phoenix Gazette. "Above all else, we pledge every effort to ensure that our furry friends don't have the rug pulled out from under them. Some like to think of dogs as 'little people,' but they shouldn't have to be taxed like them."

Democratic Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid was unavailable for comment.

Sigur Ros to Perform at Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards

2007-08-28T12:42:00.000-07:00

Los Angeles, CA
Icelandic experimental rock group Sigur Ros have agreed to play their modest hit singles Svefn-g-englar and Svo hljótt for a packed house of screaming 'tweens at the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards. Sigur Ros is noted for their atonal and rhythmically experimental music as well as lead singer and guitarist's Jónsi Þór Birgisson's tendency to bow the guitar, much like a violin or cello. Speculation their appearance may be tied to new category "Best Experimental Instrumental Album" has been dismissed by producers of the annual awards show. "Sigur Ros are musical geniuses," said one producer. "We're lucky to have them."

Broke and Desperate, Rumsfeld Comes Out of Retirement For Just One Last, Unjustified War

2007-08-27T12:08:00.001-07:00

Washington D.C.
Joyce Rumsfeld could hear their tires grind the gravel even before she could see the fleet of black Lincoln Towncars coming up their driveway. Defense department officials had come to speak to her husband, disgraced former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. Joyce tried to convince them it'd do no good, Donald was retired, but showed the gentleman to the backyard where Donald was trying to teach his grandson to shoot a BB gun. When Donald saw the uniformed military men coming his way, he shooed his grandson away and walked along the grounds of his plantation home in Maryland.

General Max Strong attempted to explain the importance of their mission but Donald could not be convinced, at first. "There's no place for me anymore in the Department of Defense," he explained. "Besides, I have so much work to do here with my writing." "You think you were put on this earth to write a biography of Milton Friedman," scoffed Gen. Strong. "Come on, Don. Just once more - for old time's sake." After all, Donald had been losing money at the track and playing a lot of RISK online.

The next thing he knew, Donald was airborne, sitting next to a new generation of fool-hearty Neocons, concocting a "failsafe" strategy for invading peaceful, un-militaristic Trinidad and Tobago. Chosen as the target of US military intervention due to its stranglehold on the world's steel pan drum supply, Trinidad and Tobago crumbled after an aerial bombardment and a second-wave marine infantry invasion. Walking up the crumbled steps of the Port of Spain Capitol, Donald Rumsfeld couldn't help but feel somehow more alive. He knew returning home to idyllic Maryland wouldn't be the same - but what ever would?

Oversexed Pre-Teen Girls Lay Siege On Phoenix, Denver Feared Next Target

2007-08-23T17:23:00.000-07:00

Phoenix, AZ
Oversexed pre-teen girls have laid siege on Phoenix, AZ, led by a group of 11 to 14 year old girls (who have of late mimicked personal and fashion styles of their idols, Brittney Spears, Paris Hilton and even, some say, Tara Reid.) Refugees from the onslaught of "grrl" power have been displaced across the southwest. Said one witness to the siege, "Suddenly everywhere there were these precocious, sexually empowered girls, YOUNG GIRLS, everywhere." Some have speculated their para-military powers were strengthened by a loosening moral code in Phoenix and elsewhere in the country, which were only emboldened by the media, advertisers and poor role models at home and at school.

Experts point to the next likely target as Denver, Colorado - located near many strategic US Military installations. Citizens everywhere are being warned to thwart this epidemic in the bud. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates warns, "Do not leer too long upon their exposed, pierced navels. Encourage your own pre-teen girls to embody chastity and modesty during these harrowing times."

One of the oversexed pre-teen girls' leaders, known only as Brenna, was heard explaining to one reporter, "My boyfriend is like, in the National Guard, and he's obsessed with me, and there's no way he'd try to stop us, otherwise he won't be getting any. And just look at us, we're so hot. You think any straight guy in a uniform would shoot at us? OMG, they'd totally want to do us..." Brenna, a particularly flirtatious brunette, then laughed and touched the reporter's knee for a while - and then stopped for whatever reason.

Military brass have confirmed that forceful retaliation seems to be an ineffective countermeasure at this juncture. "We can only hope that by deploying military chaplains and perhaps authors Amy Dickinson and Wendy Shalit, experts on pre-teen oversexualization, that we'll be able to weaken their control of Phoenix and possibly thwart the rumored overthrow of the American government." Asked to comment on the on-going crisis, President Bush commented, "At this juncture it would be imprudent to...find out...who is...or is not to blame." Many have suggested that abstinence-only sex education programs have proven ineffective to the allure of what some call the "empowered 'fuck whoever you want' Sex-And-The-City MySpace" culture. As a sign of solidarity, Claire's boutiques have shut down operations nationwide. More to come on this developing story.

Selfish, Fat Fuck Loving New Moustache

2007-08-20T10:49:00.000-07:00

Chicago, IL
Duuuuhhhh, I LOVE my new moustache! I'm a fat fuck who hooks up with skanks and can't handle the responsibilities of normal, ADULT LIFE! DuuuuH! BEER! Partying! Duuuuh! Duh Bears lost the superbowl and I'm still talking about it, I have no life, and now I'm single, see how I like it! Duuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh...

I'm such a fat fuck, the only reason random skanks flirt with me is because I buy them beer because I have a BIG IMPORTANT stupid job at LaSalle Bank and I act like a fucking douchebag to everybody who cares about me because I'm a selfish, fat fuck! Duuuuuuuhhhhhh!

Oh yeah, everybody thinks my moustache is retarded! They're all laughing AT me, not with me, even though I'm too fucking retarded to notice because all I do is update my iPod, play fantasy football and - OH YEAH - am a complete fat fuck! By the way, did I mention I'm a selfish asshole? Oh, I forgot to say that? Well I am, a completely selfish, fat fuck, asshole retard. And my dick is small. I forgot that part too. Maybe if I lost, like, a million fucking pounds, my dick would look bigger, I don't know, don't ask me, I'm a fat fuck who just loves having this retarded moustache! And I definitely don't know how to use a phone or check voicemail, because otherwise maybe I'd call people back! Duuuuuuhhhhhh!

Daughter "Totally Gets" Why Divorce Happened, Now

2007-08-17T10:12:00.000-07:00

Boston, MA
Anne Wistrom, 16, now totally gets why her mom divorced her dad, after seeing how he takes care of himself. Wistrom spent the weekend with her father, Donald, at his new, gross apartment near Quincy Market. Donald Wistrom spends hours in bed watching his crappy little TV, eating crappy cheese omelettes, and totally not rinsing his toothbrush after he brushes his teeth, which is hardly ever, according to Anne. He also won't shut up about her mom's new boyfriend who at least has a decent car and isn't always working on some stupid book that will never get published. Seeing how her dad just completely let himself go, Anne now totally gets why this divorce happened. She's glad this weekend she'll be staying at best-friend Jeanette Miller's house, whose parents are still together and act like retards about Anne and Jeanette drinking and stuff, but at least they can afford to pay for Jeanette to go to Amherst without making her apply for stupid scholarships from the Rotary Club and stuff.

26-year-old Stuck-Up Bitch Seeking Roommate ASAP in West Hollywood

2007-08-16T09:24:00.000-07:00

West Hollywood, CA
Hey potential roomies! Rent is $1000, security dpst. is $2200, non-negotiable. Private bed, shared bath and small patio garden with herbs and spices.

Me: Fun-loving, great sense of humor, clean, sober, hard-working, neat, connoisseur, tidy, and fun. I work for a major studio and love living by all the fun clubs and Whole Foods.

You: Full-time employed, drama-free, great taste (no IKEA, no GAP, blech!), clean, pay bills on time, organized, responsible, good sense of humor, sober.

Send me your myspace and tell me about yourself too. I'm looking to fill this room by September 1st!

xoxo

Kimber!

Gulf Region to Ignore Tropical Storm Erin: What's The Worst That Could Happen Say Officials

2007-08-15T10:16:00.000-07:00

Gulf of Mexico, USA
Federal, State and local officials have unanimously agreed on this issue; Tropical Storm Erin is no big deal. "We've gone over the data with the National Weather Service, the Coast Guard and other organizations," said one official at Wednesday's press conference in Houston, TX. "We all agree, seriously, who gives a shit about this tropical storm? What's the worst that could happen? I for one plan to go fishing this weekend."

Sidney Rice Skipped My Poem's Workshop But I Forgave Him in Verse

2007-08-14T08:56:00.000-07:00

Columbia, SC
University of South Carolina junior Becky Ireland shares with GetOnMyMap her poem, written in tribute to her former classmate and Gamecocks' wide-receiver Sidney Rice, who was drafted by the Minnesota Vikings. Rice had enrolled in Creative Writing in the spring, but had to attend an NFL Draft workout on the workshop day of Ireland's poem, inspired by his 5-touchdown performance on September 23rd, 2006 that helped the Gamecocks beat Florida Atlantic.

To Sidney, who will find much success in the land of 1,000 lakes -

Quaking, trembling, I wrote
I had heard of the interview with Sports Illustrated
And the 39.5 vertical leap at the combine
You would find your self-realization avatar
You would find your oneness
You would find your soul
Would you ever find me?
Me, with the tattered, frayed backpack
The sticker-laden laptop
The raven hair and piercing eyes
The moribund versimilitude of my being
No doubt it frightened you
Consumed you
Devoured you to the marrow
And yet, you prevailed
In your absence, your peers and colleagues provided me a prism with which to view my work
My labor
My love
To me, it was never a measurement, never a test of aptitude, my gridiron was the mind of a reader
The heart of a poet and the soul of my quill
For you, so much simpler, so much easier, and yet perhaps not?
6 foot 4 inches, 200 pounds, 10 touch
downs...
Are you not more, Sidney?
Are we
not
more?

Rove Resigns: I Plan to Do More to My Wife What I've Already Done Enough to this Country

2007-08-13T08:45:00.000-07:00

Washington D.C.
Breaking News - Karl Rove has resigned. Effective Friday, August 10, Karl Rove is no longer employed at the White House. Speaking on the White House lawn, Rove announced he plans to "try fucking [his] wife for a change, instead of the entire country." Bush was seen smirking with particular glee each time Rove used the word "fucking. " The two laughed in agreement and ended the press-conference accordingly.

Feminist Undergraduate Beginning Every Opinion With "As a Woman..."

2007-08-10T15:40:00.000-07:00

Northampton, Massachusetts
Feminist student and writer Melinda Hopper Stewart has elected to preface all spoken opinions and thoughts with the words "as a woman." In a recent classroom discussion, the undergraduate Women's Studies and English double-major and Greek minor said about Third Wave feminism, "As a woman, I debate constantly whether Third-Wavers have a wholly autonomous identity separate from the Second Wave." In a recent letter to The Sophian, Stewart criticized the use of Wikipedia as a primary source in academic papers - "As a woman, I feel the user-edited flexibility also renders the academic strength of the source insouciantly impotent." She also has stated repeatedly that "as a woman" she prefers to grind her own pepper on salads when offered by the wait staff at a luncheon.

Parents Figured Out During Bonfire, Let Off Hook for Being "Assholes About Everything"

2007-08-09T08:43:00.000-07:00

West Des Moines, IA
18-year-old Michael Hubert's parents are no longer "assholes about everything." During the course of an extended discussion with other local teens at Eric Murphy's bonfire this weekend, it was revealed Hubert's parents weren't "total dicks who fuck everything up, all the time" for Michael. In fact, it was revealed they are "pretty awesome." Listening to Marie Difrancesco speak about her parents, Hubert realized the truth about his. "Marie's parents got divorced and kept telling her it was her fault until this summer when her mom got a new boyfriend and apologized to Marie," explained Hubert. "She was living at her dad's place in Ames but she's moving in with her mom before school starts." Hubert's parents, though never divorced, have struggled to maintain intimacy throughout their 22 year marriage, at times prone to arguments. However, Hubert suspects most parents, at least the parents of his friends may also "totally go ballistic on each other, you know, once in a while too." Hubert explained, furthermore, he intends to try harder at community college this fall and re-apply to Drake University, his father's alma mater. Hubert added, "And my folks'll probably be pretty stoked to hear I'm gonna quit smoking too."

Dog Agrees: That Walk Really Hit the Spot

2007-08-08T08:00:00.000-07:00

New York, NY
Charlie, who is a dog, agrees with his owner and caretaker Janet that their latest walk really "hit the spot." He also asserts that he feels "great" when he gets the chance to "mingle with other dogs at the dog park," as Janet was heard explaining to a friend during a late-morning coffee visit. Charlie also, according to Janet, just "can't get enough of running around and having fun, because he's so funloving." Charlie also is capable of understanding that Janet's recent growth is a really "great thing for everybody" and is an enthusiastic supporter of the "exciting, new direction" her life is taking. All around, Charlie and Janet are in agreement that he is a great dog.

I Got Kicked out of My Biker Gang Because of My Segway

2007-08-07T08:52:00.000-07:00

Brooklyn, NY
One day it was all over for me and the Lords of Pain. I don't really get why, but they rejected me when I purchased a Segway. I don't know, sometimes I miss the nicknames and embroidered leather jackets we made together. I definitely miss the male bonding and the way we all talked about our various personal crises. I guess having one of their members commute to their job on a Segway was too effete for them. I guess I just wish I could have had the president, Maury (or Sledgehammer as we called him at chapter meetings,) ride it around a bit before passing judgment. I guess I could just give this up, but using my Segway is who I've become and there's no turning back - though I could if I wanted on the Segway because all you have to do is lean back a little and it starts rolling back on its own, but not too fast so that you don't fall over. You want to try riding it around the park just a little?

Joe Rogan Hoping Carlos Mencia Steals His New Jokes

2007-08-06T10:49:00.000-07:00

Los Angeles, CA
Comedian Joe Rogan has been working more and more original material about Latin-American culture - all in hopes Carlos Mencia might steal it and bring it to a wider audience. Mencia, known in comedy circles as a notorious joke thief, is also the host of a nationally televised comedy/variety show, and it is Rogan's aim to work his material into Mencia's stable of stolen jokes. Rogan says his new material revolves around a new burrito stand where nobody speaks fluent Spanish that has opened near his home. "I mean, it's hilarious, to hear these guys butcher Spanish at the burrito place," explained Rogan. "And I got this great impression of Latina women I'm working on and also a joke about how David Beckham and Posh are going to be interviewed on Spanish Radio in LA - I know Carlos would like to do that on his show. Can you imagine how funny it would be to have a subtitled interview segment with Carlos ripping on them in Spanish while they're oblivious?"

"Everybody know Carlos steals and there's not much you can do about it," explained fellow comic and Mencia-theft victim Ari Shaffer. "At first it bothered me, but I can't deny having a successful television personality steal your jokes and having Joe Rogan tell everybody about it really helped my career. I mean, I'm supposedly in the same company as Bill Cosby and George Lopez - that's all thanks to the work of Carlos, for stealing it, and then Joe, you know, for pointing out it was stolen." Mencia was unavailable for comment during a taping of his show as the cast was busy rehearsing something they called the "Dead Parakeet Sketch."

Becoming Jane Opening to Feverish Fanboy Reception

2007-08-03T10:30:00.000-07:00

Hollywood, CA
Box Office experts are in agreement - Becoming Jane will be the smash hit of the summer. Experts point to the viral internet marketing blitz on "fanboy" websites like Ain'tItCoolNews.com and IMDB coupled with smoldering cast pictorials in The New Yorker and JANE has stoked the fires of movie fandom, putting the audience's anticipation at a fever pitch. Studio expectations are high, predicting the opening day gross near $70 million, with hopes to cross the $300 million mark by next week, aided by repeat viewings. Fandango.com and MovieTickets.com report pre-sale sellouts and many theaters are expecting a rush to the box-office for the Jane Austin biopic starring mega-wattage star Anne Hathaway. Becoming Jane opens today - just don't expect to get a ticket.

Effective Immediately, the Donahue Twins Are Not Allowed Within 100 Yards of this Office

2007-08-02T08:42:00.000-07:00

By Al Sawyer, Acting Vice President - Human Resources, Prewitt and Huff LLC

Colleagues -

I am prepared now to admit mistakes have been made. Hiring the Donahue twins as interns this summer has been an utter fiasco for Prewitt and Huff LLC. We may never assess, in its totality, the damage these two trouble-makers have made in the name of "fun" and "free-thinking" at this office. The complaint memos are piling on my desk and IT is working feverishly to get my email started up again - but please refrain from further correspondence regarding those Donahue twins. The situation is, for now, understood, and the appropriate actions have been taken.

Needless to say, they are no longer allowed within 100 yards of the building and anybody seen letting them in, even to "use the bathroom for like a quick sec [sic]" will be reprimanded accordingly. I cannot stress to you enough the urgency with which you must apply this policy to your daily lives. Our attorney's are preparing a suit and we should have more instructions as how to best cover ourselves from further damage and protect this institution from more embarrassment. Mr. Kenji Toshiro, the Japanese Consul, has formally agreed not to seek punitive damages and we can only hope in time he may seek to do business with this company again - unlikely given the chaotic nature of that impromptu concert those twins held in our atrium last month. How anyone in this company could have possibly felt comfortable throwing whip-cream pies at such an esteemed client is beyond me.

Many of you will be happy to know, particularly Marketing, that the 3rd floor conference room is back open for business, so to speak. I don't even want to speculate how they managed to sneak an orphaned baby elephant into such a tiny space and nurse it back to health for 3 weeks without our knowledge. Eddie in Facilities Services has promised to be more diligent in the future when he thinks he hears weird noises, however I highly doubt there will be repeat incidences such as those.

And I'll remind the rest of you that despite the Donahue twins' acuity for "star-crossed" matchmaking, interoffice romances are strictly prohibited, and you may all refer to your employee handbooks if need be. If what I hear is true, Max Levenstein in accounting and Alison Cho in accounts payable have eloped and opened the Banana Crepe and Guitar store of their dreams, so I'll be looking internally as well as externally for their replacements. If anybody would like to formally submit themselves or a qualified acquaintance, I'll readily review those resumes.

One final note regarding new policies which we can all attribute to the Donahue twins:

Take Your Daughter to Work Day is suspended, indefinitely.
Tuesdays are no longer Fun Hat Day - please observe appropriate office dress code from now on.
The decorative apple tree in the courtyard is not to be plucked any longer.
The 2:30 "After Lunch 3 Minute Dance Party" is to no longer be observed.
Please refrain from saying "That's gotta hurt" when seeing a male colleague take, however righteously delivered, a shot in the crotch.

I hope, moving forward, that we can restore the decorum and reputation of Prewitt and Huff LLC, especially before Maureen is back from maternity leave. I hope my leadership in this crisis might be referenced in your peer reviews which Maureen wants on Monday. Thank you all for your support and remember, my door is always open.

Sincerely,

Al Sawyer Acting Vice President - Human Resources Prewitt and Huff LLC

Am I the Only One Who Thinks James Pickens Jr. Is Total Beefcake?

2007-08-01T08:44:00.000-07:00

By Tina Luego, Senior GetOnMyMap Hollywood/Entertainment Editor
Call me crazy (I am!) but I think James Pickens Jr., or Sexy Slim as I like to call him, is total beefcake! I mean, I shudder like a Tuscanian window every time I see him deliver a line on Grey's. MMM! McPickens indeed! I hear this upcoming (I wish! Ooh, somebody spank me, I'm naughty) season he gets an even bigger role. Is anybody else engorged right now too? (Hint; it's yours truly.) Whoever that bitch is next to him might find a Jimmy Choo in his(her?) back. Nobody call the federalis on Tina, please, should that happen.

IT Administrator's Scuffed Dress Shoes Don't Bother Girlfriend

2007-07-31T09:57:00.000-07:00

Chicago, IL
Harlan Ju, a 36-year-old IT Administrator with Boeing, asserted Tuesday to Jack Anderson in Marketing that his girlfriend doesn't mind his scuffed loafers he wears every day to work. Anderson was verbally reprimanding Ju for his attire, which Anderson felt unfit for the workplace. "I don't mean to be presumptuous, but you'll never get any girls wearing shoes like that," began Anderson who was quickly rebuffed by Ju. Ju explained his girlfriend "loved" his shoes, which he purportedly also wears while riding his Suzuki Hayabusa motorcycle to her lakeside home off Sheridan Road in suburban Winnetka, IL. When pressed for more information about his girlfriend's profession, Ju volunteered she had "just sold her arcade to get back into fashion modeling."

Older Brother Purports Younger Brother Throws As Would a Homosexual

2007-07-30T09:51:00.000-07:00

Kansas City, MO
Local big brother Ryan Wallace noted Monday how younger brother Terry throws footballs, baseballs and basketballs; it is the elder Wallace brother's opinion that the younger invokes throwing characteristics of a homosexual male. Ryan suggested Terry could unlearn his pointed-elbow technique for a more powerful throw, which Ryan expected would help Terry throw the ball further and not make Ryan "have to fucking bend over all the time to pick your balls off the ground!" Terry asserted moments after the initial statement that he does not throw as would a homosexual.

However, sports scholars note former Major Leaguers and homosexuals Glenn Burke and Billy Bean were not known for any unorthodox throwing style, leading some to believe the elder Wallace brother may simply have been invoking an epithet to suggest his younger brother was a homosexual, independent of any throwing style.

Mike Piazza, a designated hitter for the Oakland A's and a former catcher, noted that using any epithet to decry throwing strength doesn't get to the root of the problem. "I bet this you this younger brother throws elblow-first, which puts too much strain on the brachioradialis muscle in the forearm," speculated Piazza. "I used to have the same problem but I worked it out. It's a mental thing, anybody can unlearn a bad habit."

Shown videotape of homosexual athletes, Ryan Wallace issued a statement to follow up his prior criticism of his younger brother - "I wish Terry could throw like those faggots."

Sheryl Crow Pities Her Audience

2007-07-27T08:18:00.000-07:00

Kettering, OH
Sheryl Crow stunned her captive audience last Saturday as she began playing the opening lick to her hit "Soak Up the Sun" only to stop mid-strum and laugh uncontrollably. "This is what I was talking about with that guy from SPIN," she confessed to the crowd with a piteous look in her eye. "I can't believe you people like this fucking song. It's terrible! Have you ever listened to the lyrics? Do you have any musical taste whatsoever?!" Crow added moments later, "Seriously, I feel bad for all of you." The crowd, made up primarily of single mothers and young couples on a bargain date, were shocked and confused. Adam Duritz, lead singer for the Counting Crows, and Natasha Bedingfield have both agreed to forgo opening for Crow on the July 28th show as a sign of respect to their common fanbase.

Young Couple Gives Up on Strawberry Basket

2007-07-26T08:05:00.000-07:00

Charlotte, NC
Jack Gilson and new girlfriend Summer Phillips have opted to give up on a basket of strawberries they purchased at the Farmer's Market on Saturday. "We tried refrigerating them, dusting them with sugar, dipping them in chocolate," lamented Gilson. "Nothing worked. It was just a struggle to enjoy them even for the nutritional value." Gilson and Phillips also had tried adding slices of strawberry to their cereal Sunday morning before agreeing perhaps it would be better to toss the whole basket out and move on with their day. Gilson noted he had a lot of laundry and household chores to do while Phillips mentioned briefly before leaving his company that she was planning to check in with a friend who was in town for the week and "maybe get some lunch or something." Upon leaving Gilson's apartment, Phillips mentioned she'd "call [him]...maybe...later, or something."

David Stern Agrees to Stop Referring to Self in 3rd Person

2007-07-25T12:10:00.000-07:00

New York, NY
NBA commissioner David Stern has put a sudden stop to his habit of referring to himself in the third person during press interviews. Heard last week explaining the referee/gambling scandal and why his administration hadn't acted more diligently, Stern explained, "This is just David Stern being David Stern." However, the commissioner has now agreed, per advice of his attorney, to start using first-person pronouns from now. "Now, I'm just being me," he said.

X-Games Rebranded as Fun-Games

2007-07-24T09:47:00.000-07:00

Los Angeles, CA
In a move to lose some of its unintended sexual connotations, the X-Games have officially rebranded themselves as the Fun-Games, effective for the annual Summer and Winter event sstarting January 1st, 2008. With the change in name also came a change in sponsorship. Mountain Dew has decided to pull its account with the X-Games, making room for Kool Aid to purchase the remaining ad space. Additionally, to promote safety, all announcers will be required to wear protective headgear while on camera.

#1 Movie in America Confirms Americans Have No Problem With Straight Same-Sex Couples

2007-07-23T11:35:00.000-07:00

Hollywood, CA
The #1 box office opening for I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK AND LARRY confirms what many in liberal pockets of the country have felt for years - America really doesn't have a problem with same-sex straight couples. For years, motion pictures starring two straight men have made a mint for Hollywood, but never before with same-sex straight marriage as a subplot. Mainstream acceptance of straight same-sex relationships is gaining momentum and many speculate the phenomenon could have a trickle-down effect for gay same-sex couples as well. Asked to comment on the film, filmmaker and gay icon John Waters mused, "Oh please...."

Old Sailor's Return Home Wrecks Memorial Service

2007-07-20T10:06:00.000-07:00

Bangor, Maine
Jack "Shallow Waters" Pitrick's return home wrecked what many in the town felt was a "fitting salute to a treasured town hero." As cannon's fired over the harbor, Pitrick's fishing boat, Poseidon's Trident, nestled into port. Tying on the lines to the aft, Pitrick marveled at the 21-gun salute he was oblivious to being held in his honor. As he lowered his hat while walking by, Pitrick's precocious granddaughter Penny exclaimed, "He's alive!"

Pitrick's boat had lost radio contact last week when a "thundering storm" ripped his boat astray. He told friends and family, who had gathered after the ceremony at the White Whale Inn, that he looked deep into the "eyes of death and turned right back 'round!" All in town were enthralled of his story, all except for the tavern-owner Bill McCovey, who had "heard this story all before."

Thank You For Helping to Preserve My Natural Habitat by Adopting Me in this Pyramid Scheme Wildlife Foundation

2007-07-19T08:53:00.000-07:00

Dear American Child -

My name is Tina. I am a Humpback Whale and I live in the ocean. There's a lot of seafood here! I love to eat - look how big I'm getting. I can weigh up to 79,000 pounds. That's a lot of Happy Meals!

By donating only $65 dollars each month, you're ensuring my survival as I swim from my breeding waters back to the Arctic to eat. But it costs a lot more than $65/month for the awesome people at World Marine Relief Habitat Fund (WMRHF), with the help of the awesome folks at Exxon-Mobil, to keep poachers and other horrible things away from me. Thousands of wonderful kids, just like you, have been donating and it's with their WMRHF networked dollars, or Whale Bucks, that I am able to survive.

As you know, your Introductory Level Adoption Plan means each month you get a photograph of me and a letter telling you about me. Unfortunately, I can't respond to your letters because I'm a whale - I can't read! But you can write to your friends and family and ask them to help adopt me too. For every friend and family member you sign up for 1 year of Introductory or Premium Care Level Adoption, you receive 5 Whale Bucks in your own adoption plan, which you can redeem at WMRHF.org for cool stuff like hats, backpacks and other great things. You can also buy extra Whale Bucks, with your parent's permission, using their VISA, American Express or Mastercard. Sorry, we don't use PayPal...yet. You can also find Whale Bucks at Exxon-Mobil Snack Stations in California, Texas and parts of Utah, Nevada and Wyoming!

Remember, the more people you sign up, the more prizes you can redeem at WMHRF.org. You don't want me to die, do you? Of course not, that's why you should sign up your friends and family today! What are you waiting for? As you know, whales are an endangered species and we need your help to survive. Mother Nature sometimes can't protect animals from every known danger. Your dollars are helping. The future...is now!

Thanks so much for being such a great adopter.

Love,

Tina, your Humpback Whale

Dear GetOnMyMap: HOW DO I TURN OFF THE GODDAMN CAPSLOCK

2007-07-18T10:09:00.001-07:00

Below is a letter to our editors from Fern Lawler of Tampa Bay, Florida.

DEAR EDITOR MY SONINLAW AND I BOTH CANT FIGURE OUT HOW TO TURN OFF THE GODDAMN CAPSLOCK ON MY PC I HAVE AN HP COMPAQ 2800 WITH 80 GIGS HARD DRIVE AND 504 MB OF RAM HOW DO I TURN THIS OFF BECAUSE I DONT KNOW HOW TO TURN IT OFF AND I HAVE TO DOWN LOAD A WORD FILE TO MY DAUGHTER WITH DIRECTIONS TO THE FUNERAL HOME FOR HER GREAT UNCLE FRANK THANK YOU FERN LAWLER PS WHERE IS THE ENTER KEY ALL I SEE IS BACKSPACE RETURN SHIFT AND CTRL WHICH I THINK IS CONTROL BUT I DONT KNOW FOR SURE PPS WHERE IS THE PERIOD BUTTON AND QUESTION MARK BUTTON TOO THANKS FERN

Dad Wins 4th Consecutive Argument

2007-07-17T09:39:00.000-07:00

Deerfield, IL
Local husband and father Will McCairn won his 4th consecutive argument with his wife, Susan, Monday evening. Sources close to the couple confirmed that Mr. McCairn felt purchasing paper plates for a barbeque this coming weekend would be wasteful. Apparently Mrs. McCairn wanted disposables for the party to save time washing dishes, but Mr. McCairn successfully articulated his disagreement with the idea. His counterargument was to "stop being ridiculous" as there were only three guests coming and there would be "plenty enough plates and cups [they] already owned to go around." Nearby patrons at the Costco where the McCairn's were buying party wares confirmed Mr. McCairn maintained confidence, poise and directness of point - all factors that Harvard University Forensics professor Michael Overbrook confirms help "sell your argument."

"Making your point quickly and succinctly helps maintain your opponent's attention and aids the act of convincing," says the professor. Experts agree winning a 5th domestic argument is unlikely and that McCairn should consider continuing the win streak with lesser opponents. An unsettled disagreement over a trip to Door County, WI his daughter Annette wants to take with her boyfriend may yield that much sought-after 5th win, however it appears his daughter has courted Mrs. McCairn's vote for her cause which may jeopardize Mr. McCairn's chances. Some have speculated Mr. McCairn may avoid familial disagreements altogether for the coming weeks, having been overheard saying he's "sick of all the goddamned fighting around this house."

Eco-Conscious Cyclist Rides Bike To and From Prius

2007-07-16T08:40:00.000-07:00

Bowman, New Hampshire
Conservationist and cyclist Michael Rose elected to ride his electric bicycle from his job three miles away back to his home to run errands. "There's no point in using my car just to get to work," he said. "I just use my car for errands and getting around at night." Rose indicated he planned to go to Costco and load up on recycled paper goods for his house and also to get more raw almonds. "I might also see if they have any good DVD's there," he said. "They usually have some box set worth buying."

Holden, MO Summer Concerts in the Park Promises 20 Different Bands Covering "Brown Eyed Girl"

2007-07-13T10:20:00.000-07:00

Holden, MO
A perennial crowd-favorite, the Holden Summer Concerts in the Park series for 2007 has confirmed over 20 bands will include Van Morrison's hit "Brown Eyed Girl" in their set-lists. Lead singer for blues band Action Jackson, Phil Meeks added, "[Brown Eyed Girl's] a great song for us. People always get up and boogie, it's really wonderful." Event organizer Jean Murrow wanted even more bands to make sure the town-favorite was a part of their show. "Lots of folks have wives, daughters or girlfriends with brown eyes," she said Friday morning. "I just wanted to make sure they all got the heads up about what we like around here so the new bands, like The Recycled Bees, The Old-Timers and the Holden High School Marching Band didn't feel like they came to a gun fight with a knife." The local punk band, Abortion, was not asked to perform this year. Saturday's show promises The Mountain Boys, a bluegrass/folk trio, followed by The Parrotheads, a Jimmy Buffett cover band who said they too intend to play "Brown Eyed Girl."

Tempers Flare at First Madden/Jackson Debate

2007-07-12T09:49:00.000-07:00

Bristol, CT
In the first of three televised debates, tempers flared to a breaking point Wednesday between Keith Jackson and John Madden, who have agreed to a "Travelling Roadshow" debate over the merits of college football versus professional football. In an ESPN-imposed commercial break, Jackson could be heard muttering between sips of bottled water, "...meaningless regular season...." The remark, it is believed, caused Madden to become incensed and the next thing the staff of ESPN knew, they were prying Madden off of Jackson who was heard to say repeatedly "Whoa nellie..." in between Madden's thunderous punches upon his chest and abdomen. It was widely reported, though later refuted, that Madden had said "BOOM!" with each punch.

Representatives of both parties have condemned the incident and insisted Jackson and Madden shook hands after their tempers had settled.

Confessions of a River Oaks Country Club Lifeguard

2007-07-11T08:17:00.000-07:00

Houston, TX
Summer lifeguard Andy Swanson from nearby Upper Kirby spoke Tuesday with a GetOnMyMap reporter about his experience at what Swanson calls "the front-line of the war on drowning." Speaking of a recent incident involving the sons of two different members, Swanson asserts "in this job, you do everything you can for your swimmers. They entrust their lives to you and it's an awesome and sometimes devastating responsibility." In June of this year, Spencer Hawes and best club friend Terence Rutledge had fought over "water noodles" on the deck of the pool. "They began running, a big pool No-no," asserts Swanson about the incident. It is believed that the two affluent youths' running was a direct contributor to their ultimate demise. Hawes, who would have been 13 this August, was heard saying, "Get your own noodles, Chinaman!!!" Rutledge, who has no ethnic ties to China nor any Asian nationality, retorted, "Spencer, you're being reee-tarddddded, faggot!" The boys could then be seen to grab styrofoam kickboards and began beating each other with them before turning the kickboards on other nearby pool patrons. "At this time I began whistling," said Swanson. "I'm just trying to get the kids to settle down a minute but they won't hear me." Rutledge then pulled three or four lemonades from a nearby Waiter's tray and began throwing them individually at Hawes, missing the minor and spilling their contents into the pool. Witnesses say at this point Swanson could be heard yelling "Hey! Hey!" What followed was, as Reverend Roger Humphries famously eulogized, "an epic tragedy for this tight-knit community."

"Terence grabs Spencer by the throat and starts choking him," explained Swanson. "It was terrifying and yet Terence was laughing the entire time." Rutledge continued choking Hawes and then untied the lane divider chord and roped it around Hawes' neck, then his own. "I couldn't believe what I was seeing," said Swanson. Losing oxygen, the boys collapsed in the pool and began their eventual descent the bottom. "I was up there alone, so I whistled to the main office to indicate I would begin a rescue. The manager had called in sick from being out all night and there was only one other guard on duty that day and she was taking a golf lesson." When Swanson finally decided to break standard protocol and attempt a rescue it was too late.

Hawes' and Rutledge's mothers were retrieved from the bar only to find their second-born sons were on their way to the hospital, later be declared dead on arrival. Their fathers, who at the time were unreachable on the 13th tee box, would later lament their decision to let Jack Spence and Michael Miller play through. Said the elder Hawes, "Spencer might be alive today if only we had kept pace that terrible, terrible day."

"That's the life, man. Some days people live, some days people die. If I lost my nerve every time I saw one of these member's kids die, I'd have quit years ago. Each one is sad but it's a statistical inevitability," confessed Swanson who managed to maintain his composure.

New Reagan Biography's Shocking Revelations

2007-07-10T08:55:00.001-07:00

Washington D.C.
A new biography about the life of President Ronald Reagan has revealed some shocking new information about the "The Great Communicator."

Voted for Dukakis.
Led second life as a closeted Rabbi and sometime Mohel. Performed the bris of Al Franken's son, Joe.
Was a fan of the unofficial 4th Back to the Future sequel, Time Cop.
Made claims to know where they hid the gold in NORAD.
Hated Canada but "just adored Vancouver."
Shot Dick Cheney with a BB gun.
Loved when Nancy played her sexy alter-ego in bed, "Shasaka Mumbazi - Queen of the Jungle."
Was "totally nostalgic for the 80's."

Heat Wave Kills Elderly, Mojo

2007-07-09T12:03:00.000-07:00

Southwest United States
The record highs recorded across much of the Southwest United States this past weekend attributed to a number of fatalities and losses of "mojo" reported many field bureaus. "We got a call about this old woman whose power went out in Baker, California," reported Ed Morris of GetOnMyMap's Barstow affiliate. "Poor old bird just plum passed out and didn't wake up." The heat was also credited with a lack of libido for many southwesterners, including Ryan Alesrod of Las Vegas, Nevada - where temperatures reached over 110 degrees. "It's just tragic, what it is," began Alesrod, explaining to his roommates his stifled bedroom romp. "I met this cabana girl from the MGM at Tao, and one thing leads to another but wouldn't you know, I was just too fucking sweaty. I couldn't do it." Alesrod added that something should be done about "this fucking global warming before it kills somebody."

Haunted Aircraft Carrier No Match For Recon Force 9

2007-07-06T10:03:00.000-07:00

Somewhere in the North Atlantic
Elite fighting unit Recon Force 9 proved superior to the strange phenomena aboard the USS Buffalo on Thursday. Distress signals were received at NORAD which were rushed breathlessly to Colonel Ike Storm. In an Eyes-Only message to Command Leader Jack Commanche, Recon Force 9 was ordered to board the Nimitz-class supercarrier which was last reported somewhere near Greenland. Chopper pilot Alonzo dropped the team, which was just initiating their new recruit Jonesy, onto the eerily quiet deck of the ship. By nightfall, as Quinn was heard saying while chomping on an unlit Cohiba cigar, the entire team knew "some serious shit is about to go down." Serious shit indeed followed his ominous prediction. Entering the hull, someone or something grabbed Stacks, a tough-as-nails single mother of two, and pulled her up to the top of a high corridor. Machine gun fire followed her flailing body but she was never seen again. What followed, the Navy will only acknowledge was "quite possibly the most extreme thing ever." Armed to the teeth with ammunition, Recon Force 9 destroyed whatever "it" was that grabbed Stacks and later disemboweled Acorn. Realizing "it cannot be killed with conventional weapons!!!" the team evacuated the aircraft carrier by life raft while Commanche stayed behind to arm a nuclear bomb they had brought just for such a desperate circumstance. From a safe distance, Quinn could be seen with a tear streaking his face as he saluted the team's Commander. Some say they could even hear Commanche yell out right before the inevitable nuclear blast - "Come on you motherfucker! I'm gonna nuke you back to Kingdom Come!" Navy officials agreed it would be best to keep the case file closed permanently, leaving the surviving Recon Force 9 members only with their memories of the most "ass-kickingest thing ever seen."

General Lee Re-enactor Demands to Know Which 'Sumbitch Gave His Sister Scabies

2007-07-03T11:05:00.000-07:00

Dese itchin' me sumtin' terrbull! I ever find that sumbitch give Lou-Ellen scabies, I'll skin his yellow hide, I will! Me britches 'er burnin'!

Happy 4th From Black Cat

2007-07-03T10:00:00.000-07:00

We at Black Cat Fireworks want you to know that the 4th of July is a wonderful holiday meant to be enjoyed in the safety and supervision of sober adults. Please remember not to blow up your goddamned hands, you little fuckers. In states where the sale of Black Cat Fireworks and goods is legal, you have no legal recourse, but you sure do make a hell of a commotion for our beleaguered litigation team at Morris and Morris. So this 4th, enjoy yourselves, and remember that nobody knows how long a fuse is, that bottle rockets are called bottle rockets because you aren't supposed to hold them - you're supposed to put them in bottles, and roman candles are anybody's guess as far as what clothing will or won't catch fire when you shoot one at your uncle.

Dreamworks Releases Beta-Format Megan Fox in Time For Premiere

2007-07-02T10:38:00.000-07:00

Hollywood, CA
Dreamworks SKG and Michael Bay were proud to show off the beta-format rebuild of Transformers star Megan Fox at the upcoming film's world premiere last week. Fans might not have noticed that this was an all-new Megan. "We got some great notices about the original Megan (most of which appears on-screen) but we just couldn't wait to unveil the new Megan," gushed a giddy studio executive. "She's even more of everything you could want. Her new tattoo? That was my idea." Fox, whose previous screen credits include television hit Hope & Faith, is repped by The Gersh Agency in Beverly Hills, CA. Fox's agent added over a conference call via speakerphone, "She's got a great mix of 'tude and 'ex 'ppeal, in equal measure! She's fucking off the charts right now!"

The Longest Line Ever For the Genius Bar

2007-06-29T09:08:00.000-07:00

New York, NY
Hey, hello? Are all these people here for the Genius Bar? Shit! All I did was drop my computer and - hey, stop pushing. I just need one of the guys at the desk to help me boot back up. Why are all these people here? They don't even have a computer with them to fix. What the fuck is going on today? Holy shit, did you hear the Police are going on tour?! When the fuck is that happening? Jesus, this is the longest line to use the Genius Bar ever! I knew I should have made an appointment.

Pushy Bitch Given Promotion

2007-06-28T10:06:00.000-07:00

Philadelphia, PA
Margot Summers, who is "a total bitch" and "bosses everybody around...all the time" was recently named Managing Director of Sales at Pattinger Company, located in Fairmount Park. According to one co-worker, she "acted like it was nothing when everybody knew she'd been stabbing whoever she wanted in the back just to get ahead." The source also admitted they "hate the way she asks you to do something and then just says 'great...' like there's no discussion necessary, you were in her line of sight, so I guess you just have to do it now because the Queen of everything decided it would work out like that."

Homeless Man Insists: "I Got No Disagreement With That Broccoli Anymore."

2007-06-27T10:47:00.000-07:00

Austin, TX
Willy, a 43-year-0ld homeless man from Waco announced Wednesday he has ended a longtime feud with broccoli. "Well you know I got nothing to say to no broccoli no more," he started telling passersby in downtown Austin. "Me and broccoli got no beef, no problems, I said I was sorry, broccoli said it was sorry, we both sorry, we ain't mean nobody no harm and we was wrong to be fighting all the night and don't need to go to no jail no more." Local homeless care advocate and high school junior Janice Pauly told GetOnMyMap that Willy, as he calls himself, has been seen shouting at local outdoor produce carts in the nearby farmer's market but is relieved to hear he had worked that problem out. "He stopped yelling at the broccoli? Finally, Jesus, he is soooo weird," she added. Willy was heard asking Janice if he could "come back inside the shelter so he can apologize to Mike and also to the Peanut Butter and Jelly too."

Nephew Mistaken for Soldier of the Covenant

2007-06-26T10:00:00.000-07:00

Edina, MN
Computer Engineer Brian Spence's nephew David was confused for an infantry soldier of the Covenant at the boy's birthday party Monday. Spence had agreed to wear his custom-built Halo "Master Chief" costume he had spent the better part of 2004 crafting for the boy's seventh birthday party. Party-goers assert it was only after Spence began consuming alcohol that reality-Halo confusion began. The inciting event, all agreed, was when David grabbed his newly received NERF dart gun and fired repeatedly at Spence, shrieking in a high pitched voice not unlike a Covenant soldier, "I got a needler and I'm needling you!!!" Frightened and bewildered, Spence fired laser tag toy guns at the boy. When it appeared the guns had no effect on the boy, he reverted to the secondary pistol option from the game - slamming the assailant on the head, rendering them unconscious before they appear to dissolve off camera. The seven-year-old received twelve stitches and Spence's family members agreed he should be talked to about "his drinking."

Jimmy Kimmel's Book Club Readers Opt for Poker Night Instead

2007-06-25T10:14:00.000-07:00

Cleveland, OH
What was planned to be a Saturday night discussing the Jimmy Kimmel Book Club selection for June, 2007, Pistol: The Life of Pete Maravich, was quickly elected to instead be Poker Night by a Cleveland-based book club.

"We all read Jimmy's May book, Rickle's Book: A Memoir by Hollywood comedy legend Don Rickles so we were pretty pumped about looking at NBA legend 'Pistol' Pete Maravich's recent biography," explained book-club member Don Lopley. "I don't know though, we all just kind of felt like playing poker more. Everbody voted for Poker instead - we were pretty lucky Toby brought his good 'chips' just in case."

Book-club founder Joey Ridenauer was pressed by his live-in girlfriend Denise Sheebley to take in more "serious reading" after her own book club had read Night by Nobel-laureate Elie Wiesel, which is also a selection of Oprah's Book Club. Ridenauer and some of his best friends elected to start the club in May of this year, reading the above mentioned Don Rickle's memoir. During an event dubbed "Selection Sunday" by the friends, in a 5-4 split vote, the group agreed to read Pistol, a decidedly darker tale of the remarkable career and disastrous private life of Pete Maravich. Oddly enough, the life-story of Maravich closely mirrored that of club-member Ronnie Givens, who himself was something of a basketball star and had as of late developed what the other members of the group called "functional" alcoholism. Upon arriving home early Sunday morning, Ridenauer confessed lying to his girlfriend about the outcome of the book club meeting. "She asked what everybody thought of the book," explained Ridenauer. "Nobody really got past the second chapter, myself included. I just told her everybody liked it but we weren't sure if we'd do it again." Before excusing himself to use the bathroom Ridenauer added, "She would kill me if she knew how much money I lost last night. Jesus, I am so fucking hungover."

Knicks Coach Isiah Thomas: "Lawrence Welk Cured My Homosexuality in the Summer of 1988"

2007-06-22T09:35:00.000-07:00

New York, NY
Former Detroit Pistons all-star and current New York Knicks Head Coach Isiah Thomas acknowledged before reporters Friday (who had gathered for what they believed would be a press conference discussing the Knicks' strategy in the upcoming NBA draft) that during the summer of 1987, he had engaged in a one-time homosexual affair with famed television band-leader Lawrence Welk, who subsequently cured the NBA great of his homosexual tendencies, in addition to Welk's own, that following summer.

Thomas, who had taken a shine to the former host of The Lawrence Welk Show during the show's final taping in 1982, had only recently discovered his love for the polka and the waltz. Growing up in the city of Chicago, a predominantly Polish city with vast polka influences, may have influenced this odd curiosity. "It was strange and wonderful," described Thomas with surprising candor. "Some afternoons we would lie on his bearskin rug, pillows wedged beneath our waxed chests, listening to records from his vast collection. Nobody ever held me quite so tenderly again." Thomas stated that their affair began after the 1987 season concluded following Detroit's disappointing loss to the Boston Celtics, who were led by another all-star, Larry Bird. Said Thomas, "I recall getting in my car and just driving for hours until night and day were indistinguishable. Eventually I was in Los Angeles and in the dark of night found the embrace of Lawrence. It was the truest joy I had felt since before Dennis Johnson made that layup that killed us in Game 5."

Thomas described what followed as a "fool's errand in forbidden love." "It was like a movie, and the soundtrack was dominated by Myron Floren's mournful squeezebox," recalled Thomas, with a winsome look in his eye. "I'm sorry, I haven't thought about this for over 15 years." Thomas said he felt "safer in Welk's arms" and that the feeling of unconditional love enabled a resurgence in his basketball abilities. The following season, the Pistons reached the NBA finals for the first time in franchise history. Following an eventual loss to the Lakers, led by Magic Johnson, Thomas found an old friend waiting outside the stadium. "Lawrence was waiting for me, but his look had changed. Something had changed between us," stated Thomas. What had changed was Welk had recently undergone a radical treatment to "cure" his homosexual tendencies - a program he had come to speak about with Thomas. "He had a pamphlet from a church in Arizona," Thomas said. "My heart broke that night. But I agreed to go. I never saw Lawrence again." The Pistons went on to win the NBA title the following season thanks to Thomas' leadership at point guard. Welk would die in May of 1992 - a year after Detroit lost their chance to win three NBA championships in a row. Thomas was not in attendance at the funeral. He would retire in 1994.

Thomas joins John Amaechi as one of the only NBA players to acknowledge engaging in homosexual activity and the first to have won an NBA championship. Tim Hardaway could not be reached for comment.

Google Solar Panel Project Generates Enough Solar Power to Feed 3rd Battalion

2007-06-21T09:00:00.000-07:00

Fort Dearborn, USA
Through the magic of the solar rays, Google's Solar Panel Project has generated sufficient energy to feed the entire 3rd Battalion, including the petty officers. The solar energy was cultivated from the roof of Google's headquarters, which was then refined into electrical power and used to heat a kettle for the fighting men at Fort Dearborn. Slow-roasted to perfection over the course of three days, the Google-heated chicken stew caused Corporal Louis I. Hamilton to agree with his men in declaring, "that sure did hit the spot." Google's Solar Panel Project can generate 9,904 kilowatt hours per day, over 1,000 kilowatt hours more than is need to brew a pot of coffee. As a point of reference, it takes 41,266 kilowatt hours to run an alarm clock for one day.

Upcoming Novel Compares Boyfriends to Shoes

2007-06-20T09:04:00.000-07:00

New York, NY
Author Mira McCarthy has announced her intentions to write a follow-up to her hit debut novel More Manolo's than Mary, originally published in 2005. The new book was inspired by the author's acquisition of Lilly Pulitzer "Minnie" Daisy Eyelet Espadrilles, purchased last month at Bloomingdales. Partly based on real-life experiences, the story shows how finding the right fit for her new shoes seemed to coincide with finding the right fit for a new man in her life. "Everybody's feet are totally different," confessed McCarthy. "Some people get tired of clogs and suddenly need pumps, other people just hoof around in the same sneakers they wore in high school. Some shoes are meant just for princesses, while some shoes can make you feel like a princess." McCarthy recently went on a "great second date" with bond trader Dale Tannen. Tannen, a graduate of Columbia, is said to make McCarthy "feel like a princess...just like my new Lilly's."

Larry Ellison Announces Intention to buy Frappucino

2007-06-19T10:28:00.000-07:00

Silicon Valley, CA
Oracle co-founder and CEO Larry Ellison announced Tuesday his intentions to purchase a Frappucino, specifically a Mocha Frappucinno Blended Coffee. His message was delivered to his second assistant's Blackberry device as the assistant was in line at a nearby Starbucks. Starbucks announced on their website the appeal of the drink: A delightfully sweet and creamy combination of coffee, milk and chocolate, blended with ice, topped with whipped cream (optional). Spokespeople for both companies have declined comment, but one Starbucks insider, on condition of anonymity, added, "Mr. Ellison is known for his tastes for the finer things in life. A Mocha Frappuccino Blended Coffee certainly would match that description. I think he'll be satisfied with his choice were he to pursue that option further." A follow-up email from Ellison to his assistant's Blackberry confirmed he had every intention to pay his assistant back for the purchase, which some would call a leveraged buy.

Pope to Crowd in Tanzania - "Condoms Are For Losers"

2007-06-18T09:34:00.000-07:00

Dar el Salaam, Tanzania
In what some Global AIDS activists are calling a "setback of epic proportions," the Pope declared to a captive audience in Dar es Salaam, Tanzania that "condoms are for losers." Condom use has dropped across the region, many claiming "condoms just don't feel as good." A man identified as a 24-year-old shipping clerk told a sympathetic Pope, "Most condoms are like I'm not even doing it. I can't feel anything." The Pope nodded in agreement, adding, "They're just stupid. People think it'll help them avoid stuff...whatever. They're totally retarded and no big deal." When asked by CNN affiliates for further comment, the Pope added, "I'm way bigger when I'm not using a condom. It just feels better."

What Your Children Are Trying to tell You Through Investment Books

2007-06-15T09:36:00.000-07:00

As Father's Day approaches, we at GetOnMyMap thought it would be prudent to include a helpful gift guide for Fathers whose children will be buying them books on investment strategies by personal finance gurus.

CASH MACHINE FOR LIFE - by Loral Langemeier
Crossed arms implies folksy wisdom matched with superior brainpower.

What This Says:
The Cash Machine is simple to start and sustain. You'll use skills you already possess and build a reliable team to help. Whether you want to partner with others or create your own team to start, fix, or buy a business, Langemeier shows you how to turn it into a Cash Machine that makes money from Day One.

What Your Kids Are Saying to You:
You are sexist and overlook the investment advice of women, particularly Mom. Sell the boat, asshole.

DO YOU! - by Russell Simmons
This guy's so rich he gets away with wearing a ball-cap to meetings with the board of directors.

What This Says:
Russell Simmons, the original and eternal Hip-Hop Mogul, is one of the most innovative and influential figures in modern American business and culture.

What Your Kids Are Saying to You:
I told you my turntables were a good investment.

THE LAWS OF MONEY - by Suze Orman
Tasteful off-white pantsuit insures this advice is not meant only for American oligarchs.

What This Says:
With this essential guidebook, you will be able to put all five laws to work for you in your own life. After answering a few questions, you will be able to assess your financial situation, acquire a sure sense of what to do with your money or your debt, and take action to get out -- and stay out -- of financial trouble.

What Your Kids Are Saying to You:
Good news: I'm a lesbian. Bad news: you are in financial trouble.

QUEREMOS QUE SEAS RICO - by Donald Trump and Robert Kiyosaki
Tax loopholes helped publish this book. Dark suits make the authors look taller.

What This Says:
Con los ojos y las experiencias del trump y de Kiyosaki, el conocimiento de los aumentos del lector en cómo mejorar su futuro financiero.

What Your Kids Are Saying to You:
Usted es granjero migratorio pobre que finge ser un inversionista mundial. Lea esto e intente otra vez, wey.

READY FOR ANYTHING: 52 Productivity Principles for Work and Life - by David Allen
Author replaces hour hand on italicized clock, which conveys a person of superior time management than your average reader would otherwise suppose.

What This Says:
These are cutting-edge ideas on productivity, especially when dealing with the gnarly issue of setting up structures in our lives that really work--structures that eliminate behavioral clutter and keep us on track.

What Your Kids Are Saying to You:
You remember how pissed you were after your performance review this quarter? You do know they're monitoring your internet use, right?

Hollywood Assistant's Birthday Party Ruined By Hollywood

2007-06-14T13:57:00.000-07:00

Hollywood, CA
Cat Browning (26) of West Hollywood was apparently the victim of her own industry last Thursday as her career as an assistant to a high-profile film executive seemed to negatively impact her birthday party. Attendants at Cha Cha Cha on Santa Monica Blvd. noted quickly how Cat's various friends and acquaintances, made over the course of four years toiling in Hollywood, seemed almost determined to make sure her birthday was ruined. The party began smooth enough, as many of the female co-workers from Cat's past and present escorted the birthday girl into the famed Mexican-themed watering hole. After a round of double-tequila shots, the party seemed primed to be a success. But slowly bad mojo wafted about like a poisonous cloud. Soon, entitled princesses and overpaid studio flack's filled the room, and Cat was reminded constantly of the shallow and meaningless relationships she had procured for over four years. Sources close to the scene heard Browning at one point lament, "Everybody here is a big fucking phoney. I don't have any real friends..." Another Hollywood assistant, known as Wayne and purportedly a put-upon employee at CAA, was seen inviting Cat to the bathroom to enjoy some cocaine. It was at this point that Julie, Cat's best friend for the night, stepped in and told him to "back the fuck off." In Cat's relatively short career in Hollywood, she has suffered innumerable indignities, including having agent's and producer's she had worked for browbeat her, ask her insultingly easy questions meant to demean her intelligence, seen her degree from Northwestern dismissed as an "easy school," and once was roofied at Star Shoes by a mailroom boy from Endeavor.

Cat left the bar in tears, being propped up by two interns from the studio at which she works whom she had invited at the last minute earlier that day. She was heard saying, "You two fucking interns are the only people who care about me in this fucking city. I love you so much. I love you so much..." Asked to make a comment, Brian Feldmeier (21), one of the interns who helped Cat into a cab commented, "Ms. Browning is really wasted, but I think she'll be OK. I guess people in Hollywood really look out for each other. I can't wait to move here after I graduate. I'm going to write for television, but I'm still considering film."

Population of Xanga.com Hits 3 Billion

2007-06-13T09:00:00.000-07:00

San Francisco, CA
Social Networking Site Xanga.com has enrolled its 3 billionth member, reporters were told Tuesday. This event marks a new era in online social networking. Member's have noted the sites new enrollment policies which has some e-ethicists wondering if Xanga's governing body may be violating internet neutrality. As of March, only one profile has been eligible per IP address, and there appears to be a prioritization of including new male users since then. Outside the Xanga.com headquarters in New York, a protest of its new policies was met with response by the National Guard after seven Honda Civic coupes collided simultaneously in a nearby park. It was later confirmed the drivers were all Xanga.com users who were running late to the protest.

Somewhat tangentially, it seems there is an alarming correlation between Xanga users and their vehicular accident records. Additionally, Xanga users are noted for their superior scores in standardized math tests, a study by the Friedman Institute found in April of last year.

As Xanga.com officials struggle to support its 3 billion users, internet scholars will watch as users will be made to make do with less bandwidth. Experts point to the University of Illinois, Chicago as a community that has coped well with its own enrollment spike as an example Xanga.com may want to follow in the future.

Starlet Always Has Sex With Top On

2007-06-12T11:11:00.000-07:00

Hollywood, CA
Jessica Alba, star of this fall's upcoming Good Luck Chuck (also starring Dane Cook), is known around Hollywood not only for her shapely physique but also her quirky bedroom manner. "It's well known she screws with her bra still on," says GetOnMyMap's resident Hollywood gossip editor Tina Luego. "That bitch always has something sexy on top whenever she has sex. I hear if she doesn't have a bra handy she's always under the covers, especially during post-coital spooning." Alba, who was asked to make a sex scene more realistic recently by removing her bra insisted wearing her bra was the height of cinematic realism. According to a friend on the set, Alba explained she had a near-crippling fear of exposing her nipples to any lover, and had as such never removed her bra in her sex life. Many other Hollywood actresses share similar bedroom habits, including Julia Roberts, Lauren Graham, Mandy Moore and Katherine Heigl, who recently starred in the hit comedy Knocked Up. That film also displayed a similar amount of realism, as Heigl's bra remained on during each lovemaking scene. The film's co-star, Seth Rogen, said he showed his ass on camera both for comedic effect and heightened realism. "I always get naked for sex," admitted Rogen. "But maybe that isn't everybody's thing. We're making films here about real people with real people, so sometimes what's true doesn't necessarily look like it to other people."

GetOnMyMap New Template

2007-06-11T10:08:00.001-07:00

We have a new template. Deal with it.

Home-schooled Teenager Afraid of Terrorism, Girls

2007-06-11T08:34:00.000-07:00

New Zion, MO
14 year old Jesse Miller of New Zion admitted Monday only two things scare him. "Ay-rabs and girls," confirmed the teenager who reads at a 6th grade level, in a written statement. "I cair abot my famly alot. I dont like ay-rabs, girls neither." Margo Miller, 48, of Wichita, KS originally, confirmed she took her son out of school for both religious and societal reasons. In a written statement she detailed her decision to reinforce her son's fears. "Jess's fears are good, his brain is good, he is good at learning, school was bad for Jess. Theres quers, ay-rabs, and wicked little strumpet girl ho bags to distract my son from his studies. He don't know what he needs to know now, hows he gonna get a descent job if he can't learn good?" Jesse added in an email to our editors. "I have other homeschool frends and we all know whats whats what, ok-a? Evrybuddy makes fun of su because we're not wearing abercromby and sinners, but we know whats what." Jesse's sisters have been sent to a private boarding school in Wyoming, where Margo insisted they remain until they work out their "sex-shill erges."

Morning DJ Wants To Know: What's Up, El Paso?!

2007-06-08T09:00:00.000-07:00

El Paso, TX
Jerky Mike and the Fun House Five again inquired how El Paso was doing during its morning commute, adding that he "bet everybody was pretty excited for the weekend." The Fun House Five agreed they would join the populace of El Paso in being glad the weekend was coming. Hughey, who usually mentions he plans to get "fucked up" on weekends, remembered to edit his plans for radio and said he'll "be messed up, like, pretty much the whole weekend. RIGHT?????!!!!!!!"

LOL Science!

2007-06-07T08:43:00.000-07:00

Meyrin, Switzerland
The following is an excerpt of a chat session hosted by the Nobel committee between the European Union and particle physicists from the Fermi Lab, outside Chicago.

TevyFiddler6969: LOL, EU, 8 billion for the Higgs? I got your Higgs boson right here!

EU: Orly?

TevyFiddler6969: ya rly!

EU: We are totally l33t axxelerat0rs, b1tch 1

TevyFiddler6969: Higgs boson > top quark. Tevatron > Hadron collider.

EU: brb

TevyFiddler6969: Fermi Lab > CERN. Fermi Lab = Science, Nobel Prize, l33t axxelerat0rs. CERN = $8 billion boondoggle, waste of time, not Nobel, not l33t.

TevyFiddler6969: Hello?

NobelPrizeCommittee: EU has left the chat.

NobelPrizeCommittee: EU has logged back on to chat.

EU: Sorry, parents called for a pizza, got kicked off.

TevyFiddler6969: You're using 56k dial-up?! LOL!!!

EU: NO! T-1 line, Fermi.

TevyFiddler6969: LOL, slow-pr0n, you suck, l33t science=FermiLab!

NobelPrizeCommittee: TevyFiddler6969 has left the chat.