Thursday, June 5, 2008

Robosaurus Going Green?

Is the car-eating robotic dinosaur growing a Green conscience?

North Carolina -

Robosaurus has declared to fans, potential bookings and handlers that it intends, from now on, only to consume "green" automobiles. Taken as a sign of environmental awareness on behalf of the famed car-eating robotic dinosaur, many prominent environmental activists are accusing the dino of not doing enough. "How can Robosaurus claim to be a 'green' machine when it still spews fire from its nostrils and appears at gas-guzzling events like Monster Truck rallies and Nascar races," fumed one upset greeny. Scientists in other disciplines have cried foul of a different fallacy within Robosaur's newfound environmental awareness.

Steve Kim, a robotics researcher with the University of California- Irvine claims that "no man-made computer nor machine has yet achieved sentient thought or the capacity to think with human reason. I sincerely doubt Robosaurus' 'position' comes from within this robotic dinosaur." Kim went on to point out that given Robosaurus' popularity with blue-collar whites and southerners, it doesn't hurt to have an outspoken advocate for the environmental movement, even if it is in the person of a non-thinking robotic car-eating pyrotechnic device.

Robosaurus is scheduled to appear at the Firebird Raceway in Phoenix, AZ June 16th. Organizers of the event have not yet confirmed whether they can replace the Hummer they were planning to feed to Robosaurus on short notice but have told the press in a statement Thursday that "we will try to find a suitable replacement in time for the feeding. We intend to avoid cancelling the event and will do whatever is necessary to make sure that isn't a step we take." Andrew Eissfeldt of Phoenix's Camelback Toyota has stated publicly he could secure "low low" financing on a new or used Prius or "gas-sipping Yaris" for "Robosaurus to eat." At the time of this report, GetOnMyMap was unable to confirm whether the organizers at Firebird Raceway had contacted Eissfeldt.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

White House: We're Waiting to See the Movie

Washington, D.C.

White House Press Secretary Dana Perino has noted that, though outraged, nobody in the White House intends to read former Press Secretary Scott McClellan's new book. They do intend, when it is made, to see a film adaptation. Actor Tom Wilkinson was on hand earlier that day receiving a Medal of Freedom from the President for the actor's unknown-until-recently role in securing the President's victory in the contested 2000 Florida recount.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

It's Still Blinking 12:00 AM in Parts of Florida

Breaking News - In many parts of Florida it is still 12:00 AM. Owners manuals are helping some consumer electronics owners catch up to the rest of the world. Most effected, early reports indicate, are the elderly.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Giada De Laurentiis's Best Friends Agree With Her Financial Decisions, Todd

Los Angeles,
Ok, alright, I understand you feel that way, Todd, but I talked about this with Annette and Bree, and they...don't interrupt me Todd, I gave you twenty minutes...they think it's best to avoid ANY real estate investments in the down market, OK? Can your ego handle that reality because I think you're just not listening, are you? Nothing is moving right now. It would be insane, INSANE, to sell this house, Todd. Right now I don't think it's a good idea and Annette and Bree...yes she still does, she's doing that part time, she's an excellent appraiser...they think, they both think it's a bad idea. Are you prepared to drop it now, Todd? I AM PREGNANT HERE!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Clemens Hearing Devolves into Congressional Game of "Pull My Finger"

Washington, D.C.
Rep. Henry Waxman was flummoxed, Wednesday, when he discovered the hearing chambers were overcome with a foul odor. "Would Mr. Clemens now agree to take responsibility for passing gas," asked one perturbed Congressman. What followed became a shouting match between Clemens' assembled attorneys and the Congresspersons over who, indeed, had passed gas in the chambers. Clemens at times was cagey, asserting he had never passed gas in his life and he thought, quite adamantly, that "there's no place in baseball or in life for passing [gas]." Brian McNamee, Clemens' former trainer, added that he had at times passed gas but in this instance he was not passing gas. The real tragedy is that Clemens was the first man accused, and now must defend his character and his bodily functions from constant criticism - as everybody in the cynical media understands "whoever denied it supplied it."